Just Another Sleepless Night

Tonight's another sleepless night wrestling with the uncertainty of our future as a family. When I see how happy she has become in our family and how attached she and Cinderella are to each other it just causes me stress to think about the possibility of her leaving our family. How many tears will I cry? How many more sleepless nights will I face? How many more times will I remind myself that God is in control of this situation and He loves us all more than I could ever love us? He desires our best, our good, our health and our happiness and He is trustworthy! In these moments where I feel like the pressure of the situation is more than I can bear and am tempted to doubt God's goodness all I can do it remind myself of truth, cry my tears and trust the God who has seen me through every situation in my life that I thought was too hard to bear. It's not even just about my emotional journey. It's also very much about a mother's heart for her child and the desire to protect her from uncertainty, fear and harm. And to provide stability, love and security. I feel the need to prove to the court that I am the best mother for her -i AM her mother- when in fact it is not me who is in question. The hardest part of all is that Mother's heart I have for her and knowing I can't protect her in this situation. There is absolutely nothing i can do to make this situation go away. It's still a daily battle to take every thought captive. To pray as i have never prayed before. To lay all my fears, anxieties and tears at the feet of Jesus and trust Him when all I want to do is demand control.

Today Cinderella told me that she was glad I went and got Dora from her foster mom's house because she's her best friend. The guilt of putting my child through this if Dora goes back to mom may be more than I can bear. NOTHING could have prepared me for this. I believe we've been listening to the Lord every step of the way and want to believe that will end in our family becoming a permanent family. But I am afraid of being too confident. We were all confident that rights would be terminated in April. The overwhelming emotion of how i felt then when she'd only been living with us six days compared to now knowing I AM her mom scares me. She's turned a corner in the past probably 6-8 weeks. She's finally got the rules down and she's being successful and it's extremely obvious that she's happy, secure and feeling loved and loves in return. She's thriving, growing emotionally and physically, feeling very smart as we hear simple sentences come from her unprompted. She's talking all the time and grunting hardly at all any more. She's catching up to where she should be! God is so good because I know her quick growth is a result of His handiwork, not mine! When I ask myself what God's heart for Dora is I'm reminded that be desires for her to be saved. To be happy, healthy and thriving too, but more than anything He desires for her to know Him as her personal Lord and Savior! She will be given the opportunity to hear the Gospel in our home where as going back to mom will remove the daily influence from her life. When I think that way of course it's obvious that she's ours. Isn't it? Sigh... If only it was that easy.

By now I have no idea what I've written. I only see about one to two sentences at a time on my phone screen but my heart feels more at rest reminding myself of truth. This is why I write. It's more about me then you. Writing gives me clarity of thought and a chance to work through the emotions and resolve it with truth. I'm no longer that emotional wreck - until next time- and hopefully I will be able to sleep since I have to be up in only a few hours for work. Thank you to all of you who are so faithful in praying for us. Your continued prayers are appreciated and needed all the more as we draw closer to October. God is good. He is faithful. He desires my best. He loves my kids more than I do. He knows the future. He knows my desires. He will not let me down no matter what happens. My hope is in Him! Not in courts or social workers or myself. He doesn't promise no pain. In fact, I thinks he promises the opposite so that we appreciate Him all the more and so that our affections are on Him and not this world we live in! Praise the Lord that He is developing my faith!