I'm so selfish it kills me at times. I think I get so stuck on how this process has the potential to hurt ME that I forget that there is another woman with a mother's heart for Dora who has the potential to be hurt. Today her mom was a no-show. The social worker said that she was told she was on the bus on her way and then came out five minutes later saying that she was on her way to a funeral. I'm taking her word for it but she also said she wasn't going to tell me so I just think it's weird. I should be thrilled that mom didn't show up because it goes in our favor, but the social worker we were meeting brought up something that has haunted me from our last visit. When we were saying our good-byes I was flustered because Dora was crying when she was coming to me and said something really thoughtless and it's bugged me ever since. I said "she does this with everyone." It may be the truth, but it was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time and I hurt her mom. The social worker said that she saw mom's face fall and that she helped diffuse the situation but I was in tears as she was telling me. I already felt bad, but now I feel REALLY bad! I'm so thankful that God can use even my imperfections because my hope is that He'll use my carelessness for good in our relationship as I seek her forgiveness when we see her in two weeks.
I so desperately want to build our relationship so that she can feel comfortable with us enough to possibly choose our family for Dora. Based on what the social worker said she sees how her daughter is "absolutely thriving" in our home and I guess she said "thank you for taking such good care of my little girl" but I didn't hear her in my embarrassment at my careless response to Dora's crying. I felt that same vibe from her throughout our last visit so I really hope that I can rebuild next visit.
The next visit is a week before Dora's birthday so I'm going to bring in a party so that we can celebrate with her. I want her to feel like she is important in Dora's life and also want her to see a glimpse of what life would be like if we adopted Dora. So I'm going to go out and get some party stuff, some presents and make cupcakes (even though it will kill me since we get back from camping the day before!) and bring a candle. I toyed with the idea of inviting her to Dora's birthday party but I'm just not there yet. Baby steps! We barely know each other! I had these plans prior to today, but I hope that this will help rebuild any damage my foolishness caused.
Thank you for your continued prayers. I'm realizing that I need to hold Dora a little more lightly than I have been. I've been holding on pretty hard thinking I could somehow control the situation when what I need to be doing is trusting God's plan for all of us. I struggled with that with Cinderella's adoption too. I waged a HUGE internal battle during her gestation and here it is again. Please be lifting me up in prayer! I want you to know that I can feel your prayers in my ability to cope with the situation. They help me find peace when my insides are a war zone. I can see them as Dora improves leaps and bounds every week. I can see them in my attitude as I parent a child who already knows how to push my buttons and I can see them as I am able to love this child who has only been in my home two and a half months with the same love that I love Cinderella whom I forget is not flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone. I couldn't possibly love either one more had she grown inside of me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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