Complete Transperency

I just want you to know that when I post things here I'm truly posting honestly how I feel. I'm not just trying to show you the good sides with the intention of leaving out the hurt and the struggle. I want to be an encouragement to you and others who are walking through storms in their lives that feel too big to handle. Recently there has been a lot of positiveness and confidence coming from my posts because God has really given me peace in the situation. But, yesterday and today are days that have been battles. Days when I have to take every thought captive and not allow Satan a foothold in my life. Oh how I want to wallow in self-pity and loose myself in my grief! Don't get me wrong. I cry and I do address my sadness and fear but I know that I have the ability to choose my attitude and so I really make an effort to redirect myself to the goodness of God and remember His blessings in the past instead of give in to my emotions which may bring pleasure in the moment but in the end destroy my faith and get me on a path to doubt God's goodness and plan for my life. So my battle throughout the day is in catching the fears before they have a chance to take root in my heart and replacing them with truth.

If I had to lay it out for you I'd tell you that I've been fighting bitterness over being "forced" to build my family through adoption. Fighting a new battle I've never experienced before of grief over having to fight for my children when the majority of the world takes it for granted that from the moment of conception your child belongs to you. From the moment of conception, my children belong to someone else and it is their gracious gift and God's design that allows me to be a mother. Redemption is never free. It is always costly as that quote I so often post says so well... "adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him.” –Derek Loux Please don't get me wrong. I am so very thankful that God has given me the thorn of infertility because infertility has given me Cinderella and hopefully Dora and every moment of pain and every sleepless night and every battle I have faced in the past ten years since my diagnosis was worth it and I'd do it again and I'd CHOSE it if given a choice because I LOVE my children and wouldn't trade them for a thousand babies through pregnancy! I am blessed by the very thing that has caused me the greatest pain! But that doesn't mean that I never wish that it was easier to build my family and I've been struggling through that very issue the past week or so. Hopefully you can see God's grace in my life and see how He is blessing me through these trials. I can see it when I step back from the situation and I'm so in awe of His amazing plan for my life. God is using these things for good in my life! I'm just kind of scared of the next step. It has been a painful journey and I know that the pain is not over. I know there is more to come and that scares me and causes me to want to put shields up so that I can't be hurt. I feel like it has been a painful journey so far and right now we're in the thick of it. It isn't going to get easier right now. It's only going to intensify and that kind of freaks me out! There have already been so many moments when I could't breathe due to the weight of this trial and in my heart I know we're going into that court date fighting a loosing battle. My friends, this is a hopeless situation and my spirit feels it. But because God is still the One in control it isn't hopeless! I am waiting to hear back from the social worker the recommendation of the county but my sense is that they will support Dora going back to mom. Wow... saying that out loud is something else. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that God allows us to go into battle out numbered and hopeless because when He brings the victory no one will miss it! My prayer is that that victory is Dora staying in our home, that the judge himself or herself will see in the reports how God is blessing her in our home and want to keep her here even though mom is on track. It seems about as hopeless as the Israelites fleeing from the Egyptians on foot while being chased by chariot. Only a supernatural act of God could save them and God acted. God acted! The though part is not knowing if God acting is going to be a result of a loss first. We've been through a similar situation before. We had to loose her before we could gain Cinderella. I'd go through the loss again because God in His sovereignty brought me the love of my life in Cinderella. It's the uncertainty and the fear of pain before the blessing that is the battle because I'm confident that in the end God will bless us. We aren't going to come out of this empty handed. One way or another God is leading us to our next child. Whether that is Dora or a different child our quiver is not full and our journey in building our family has just begun. It is a life of faith. A life dependent on God. A life that is willing to take risks in following God's plan for our life because we know that the biggest blessings come through living life in the Will of God. This life IS painful and heart-wrenching for everyone. We all have different trials. This is mine. May the peace of God guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus as you face your own sets of trials.