Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. These are the things God is using to build my faith. Last night as I was praying for Dora and our journey I was left feeling anxious and unsettled and I haven't been able to shake it. The image of Dora leaving us keeps flashing before me and I just can't get it to leave!
I don't worry about anything with Cinderella. I'm so confident in our relationship and our relationship with her biological family. I can honestly say I have NO insecurities with her at all. Cinderella and my bond and her bond with Rachel speak for themselves. Both are important and both are nurtured. It's about as perfect as an adoption can get! It's in the situation with Dora that all my insecurities (that I did feel when Cinderella was in utero and first born) lie. It's that place of having no control and my fate being left in someone else's hands. In this case a judge who only sees things on paper.
Still a long journey ahead of us. We're only about halfway there to the next court date. Sigh... Some days it's one moment at a time. Today's one of those days. I can only handle this moment right now. I can't think about the next one till it gets here. I'm learning to live in complete dependency on God to supply me the strength and courage to handle the next moment when it comes. I could never do this in my own strength!
My goal has always been to be transparent with people throughout both adoption processes because I never know who is going through a situation similar that can gain encouragement from my heart's journey. So in keeping things real. The truth is today's a bad day for my emotions. I'm having a hard time kicking my fear and anxiety and as a result I've spent the majority of the day in prayer. I'm exhausted but I know that today God has supplied me with what i need to get through today. And I'll be equipped to handle tomorrow tomorrow and that October court date when it get's here. I will not let my fear consume me or spoil the days, weeks and months between now and then. That's what faith means to me right now. Trusting God enough to let go and living without fear knowing He is trustworthy and faithful and has all of our best interests at heart.
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