We have a Court Date

My heart is pounding in my chest. My palms are sweaty. My eyes are tear-filled and all I can do is call upon the Lord as earnestly as I can. I talked to Dora's social worker just now and we have a court date. October 19th. I've been waiting for this day and now that it's upon us I'm fearful. I know I have no reason to fear " For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. "(2 Timothy 1:7 NLT) and yet I feel absolutely sick. I know if I start freaking out that I'm not acting in a set apart way. Because as a child of God I can live in certainty and have internal peace EVEN in the midst of this situation that feels like it's eating me from the inside out. I guess in this moment it's what I do with my fear and anxiety that counts. Do I let it control me or do I take it by the reigns and point it in the right direction - to my knees. I have never prayed for something more fervently. I have never felt so utterly out of control and helpless. No matter the outcome I know I have a loving Father who desires my best. That doesn't mean that it isn't going to hurt like crazy if things don't go our way, but I can't even think like that right now. The social worker couldn't finish our conversation but basically it went like this. Mom thinks she'll be done with all of her rehab by the court date and the SW said that there aren't any rules about having a place to live or a job or anything for her to get her child back. Crazy!! As someone who loves that child I can't imagine being asked to give her back into her care when she doesn't even have a bed to sleep in!!! So I guess the SW is going to be calling the rehab center to talk to them and then she has to make her decision on what she's going to recommend. She said she'd call me when she knows more and I guess she'll let me know what she's recommending before the court hearing. I feel like I have no voice. Some have asked if we are going to get a lawyer and I guess we would if it was going to make a difference. I have a call into our social worker to get her opinion. From what I've heard it just represents the child more diligently since mom has a lawyer fighting for her. When I look at the facts: she has spent 18 out of 26 months in foster care and by the point of the hearing that will be 19 out of 27 months. 16 consecutive months. She has lost two previous children. She is either just going to be finished with her rehab program or still in it. She will most likely have no where to live. She has never stayed clean after making it through rehab. This it time number two or three in Dora's short life. Dora is in a stable home that loves her and where she is thriving. But none of those things are the thing that makes the most difference - biology. Dora has someone else's genes and the courts value gene pool. From an outsider looking in I would be thinking that the courts are crazy for even considering giving her back! I know I'm biased but it doesn't matter. My views of the situation would be the same. But when I put myself in her shoes I feel bad for her too but do I think her genes make her more qualified to be Dora's mother? Absolutely not! But no matter how much I try to sway the facts towards my side and no matter how helpless the situation seems I know that the One who is in control can be trusted. He will direct the court's decision and whatever the outcome it will be no mistake. This situation has been bathed in prayer by Soo many. If the outcome is for Dora to reunify with her bio mom than I will have to accept that and trust that decision no matter how much it hurts. My prayer is that October 19 is a day of rejoicing that Dora will be on her way to becoming a legal Hart and I will direct my heart and my emotions with my head and not allow them to control me.

A friend gave me these verses back in 2007 when I was struggling with infertility and I hold them very closely to my heart still today. They have been with me through Cinderella's adoption, through my heart being pulled to Ethiopia and through the decision to go with the county that came out of the blue right before submitting our application for Ethiopia. I cling to these verses day in and day out.

"The Lord says to you, Rebecca. "I will guide you along the BEST pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. " "I will give strength to you my child. I will bless you with wholeness, well-being; my peace." (Ps. 32:8, Ps. 29:11 NLT).