Well... We made it through this morning. I'm not going to say that it was easy but I WILL say that God is gracious and He does give us enough grace to handle the circumstances that we face! Thank you to everyone that was praying. This visit was heads above the last visit! I was able to be myself and that was my biggest thing. My desire is to break down the walls that are there while continuing to pray for voluntary relinquishment.
The thing that breaks my heart is that for the first time today I was able to see them together and actually think that maybe they belong together... But I want her at the same time. It's such a strange place to be and honestly I have no idea how to reconcile how I'm feeling. I feel so much compassion for mom and I want her to continue to do good but I can't imagine losing Dora either! All I can do is go to my heavenly Father and trust that He is working in this situation and brought us all together for a reason. Trusting His unknown plan is such a hard thing for me knowing that my heart could be broken in the end. But I'm reminded of His faithfulness in past circumstances and how he made the impossible possible. I know He is trustworthy and that I just need to continue to battle my emotions and seek the help of the Holy Spirit to help me keep them in check. I try not to think too much about the end result and focus on the present because my attitudes and actions in the present are the only things I have control over.
I AM thankful her creepy friends were not along today and we were able to converse really easily and even play with the girls together. She was thankful for the pictures and asked for me to continue bringing them. She noticed with graciousness that I cut Dora's bangs and said she liked it. She said she gives her approval to go this weekend to the wedding in Reno and overall is a really sweet, likable person who just needs Jesus as much as I do!
Outside of the ache in my heart as Dora walked off with them to the visitation room and the tears in the bathroom as I struggled with the reality that she is not mine and how easily Dora went with her it was a fine morning and it couldn't have gone any better. Dora cried when she came back to me but I have to remind myself that's why I keep such tight reigns on her because she attaches quickly and always cries when I take her back even if it's only been a few minutes that she's been playing with the other person. So as much as I want to leave her sometimes this is why I don't and this is why I don't encourage too much interaction with other adults, especially women, at this point. I'm confident that we have a strong bond but it does hurt when she cries when she comes back to me. I've never had that problem with Cinderella. So I guess I'm just reminding myself that it wasn't a cry that she was leaving "mom". It was a cry that she was leaving her playmate. She cries much worse when I leave her places or even in a different room!
I know it's not going to get any easier as we see mom more frequently but in my time walking with the Lord I've seen the pattern over and over that the biggest blessings following crazy amounts of pain. Just keeping my eyes on the prize at the end- a more intimate relationship with God, a better understanding if who He is, greater faith and a deeper dependency on Him than I've ever experienced before. Those are all things that are not in any jeopardy of being taken from me! Praying without ceasing and trusting as I've never trusted before!
The thing that breaks my heart is that for the first time today I was able to see them together and actually think that maybe they belong together... But I want her at the same time. It's such a strange place to be and honestly I have no idea how to reconcile how I'm feeling. I feel so much compassion for mom and I want her to continue to do good but I can't imagine losing Dora either! All I can do is go to my heavenly Father and trust that He is working in this situation and brought us all together for a reason. Trusting His unknown plan is such a hard thing for me knowing that my heart could be broken in the end. But I'm reminded of His faithfulness in past circumstances and how he made the impossible possible. I know He is trustworthy and that I just need to continue to battle my emotions and seek the help of the Holy Spirit to help me keep them in check. I try not to think too much about the end result and focus on the present because my attitudes and actions in the present are the only things I have control over.
I AM thankful her creepy friends were not along today and we were able to converse really easily and even play with the girls together. She was thankful for the pictures and asked for me to continue bringing them. She noticed with graciousness that I cut Dora's bangs and said she liked it. She said she gives her approval to go this weekend to the wedding in Reno and overall is a really sweet, likable person who just needs Jesus as much as I do!
Outside of the ache in my heart as Dora walked off with them to the visitation room and the tears in the bathroom as I struggled with the reality that she is not mine and how easily Dora went with her it was a fine morning and it couldn't have gone any better. Dora cried when she came back to me but I have to remind myself that's why I keep such tight reigns on her because she attaches quickly and always cries when I take her back even if it's only been a few minutes that she's been playing with the other person. So as much as I want to leave her sometimes this is why I don't and this is why I don't encourage too much interaction with other adults, especially women, at this point. I'm confident that we have a strong bond but it does hurt when she cries when she comes back to me. I've never had that problem with Cinderella. So I guess I'm just reminding myself that it wasn't a cry that she was leaving "mom". It was a cry that she was leaving her playmate. She cries much worse when I leave her places or even in a different room!
I know it's not going to get any easier as we see mom more frequently but in my time walking with the Lord I've seen the pattern over and over that the biggest blessings following crazy amounts of pain. Just keeping my eyes on the prize at the end- a more intimate relationship with God, a better understanding if who He is, greater faith and a deeper dependency on Him than I've ever experienced before. Those are all things that are not in any jeopardy of being taken from me! Praying without ceasing and trusting as I've never trusted before!
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