Today is one of those days that bring me back to reality. It's easy to go on every day in the routine of having two children and outside of discipline really just treat them both and think of them both exactly the same. Days like today when I'm on the phone off and on all afternoon with various county workers and am jumping through hoops to make things happen really slaps me in the face and cause me to be rocked emotionally. Often it makes it more difficult to be loving and compassionate when I'm struggling and battling through the possible hurt that could be coming our way and I often find myself on these days putting up walls. Thankfully today it just made me treasure the moments that I do have with her and we had a really good evening even amongst the tried crankiness from a busy VBS week.
I really didn't give much thought to how things could change now that Dora has been moved from an adoption social worker to a regular foster care social worker, so today when a county worker called to tell me that she needed to set up a visit with Dora and her mom on a day when she could come pick her up I was caught completely off guard and felt somewhat blindsided. I'm just glad that I had called her previous worker so that I knew she had a new worker! Why I didn't get the call I'll never know. It's par for the course with her previous social worker. But That's kind of important information for me to know! Well... There is NO way I'm letting a stranger come pick her up to take her to her visit. I don't care if she is a foster child, a potential adopted child or my own child. I'm not sending her off with someone she doesn't know! So I was able to press her a bit and figure things out a little better. Fortunately she was pleased she didn't have to pick her up and my voice was able to be heard in the timing of visits etc. I'm feeling really unsettled with this new worker. I was just settling in with the old one and feeling like we had a relationship to go off of and it's hard for me to start over. Not to mention that this new worker is a constant reminder of Dora's categorical move.
We've been through our ups and downs in the past couple of weeks. She was doing so great with her speech that she didn't qualify for any speech services but we've faced some major regression in the last week. The only thing I can link it to is that she and I had a really rough week last week. We were just really butting heads and she was really being defiant. No matter how hard I would try to balance the love and positive interactions with the discipline it just wasn't equal last week and normally the discipline is SOOO much less than the positive interactions. It was really discouraging to see her rebel so strongly against both Bryan and I. I'm relieved that while we're still dealing with the defiance that it is sooo much less and is not the primary interaction with her this week. I'm starting to see the words come back and she's starting to make progress once again. Last night I was asking her to say "puh" as we're working to get "please" and she was thrilled to repeat it for tons of praise and she's been saying "Dora" plain as day for a couple of days and she's super proud of herself! I'm so thankful for these words that are once again exciting her to practice speaking!
I wish I knew better how to explain the emotions I'm feeling. Every visit with mom just completely crushes my spirit and brings me to my knees. Like most, I like control and being in this situation where I have none is a really humbling and scary place to be. My only comfort comes from the fact that I have a completely trustworthy God who is the great puppeteer directing every step, every word and every decision the court makes. Even knowing that doesn't erase my fear. It just gives me something to focus my thoughts on when I'm feeling afraid. Once again I'm in that place of taking every thought captive and replacing the bad ones with truth. My heart is a battlefield tonight as I struggle to not let fear overwhelm me and my emotions rule me. It's time to be purposeful in my actions with mom and make every moment I'm with her count because my continued prayer is for voluntary relinquishment. It's the impossible. Social workers tell me their parents don't do it but I'm still praying. I know how ever the situation ends up it's going to bring God the most glory but in my little human heart I can't think of anything that could possibly bring him more glory than for her mom to relinquish her on her own accord. I need to remind myself over and over again before I go to not just let myself be dragged along like i did last time but to go in in control of how I'm handling the situation and be purposeful in my actions and words. I believe God has brought us together for a reason and I need to take every opportunity to love her and build that relationship. I've started thinking about whether or not I should invite her to Dora's birthday party or not. It makes me uncomfortable to do that and I really need to talk to my social worker and see what she says but I also want to show mom that if she were to relinquish it wouldn't mean she'd never see her again and it would also give her a glimpse into our life... I've still got time. We shall see!
I really didn't give much thought to how things could change now that Dora has been moved from an adoption social worker to a regular foster care social worker, so today when a county worker called to tell me that she needed to set up a visit with Dora and her mom on a day when she could come pick her up I was caught completely off guard and felt somewhat blindsided. I'm just glad that I had called her previous worker so that I knew she had a new worker! Why I didn't get the call I'll never know. It's par for the course with her previous social worker. But That's kind of important information for me to know! Well... There is NO way I'm letting a stranger come pick her up to take her to her visit. I don't care if she is a foster child, a potential adopted child or my own child. I'm not sending her off with someone she doesn't know! So I was able to press her a bit and figure things out a little better. Fortunately she was pleased she didn't have to pick her up and my voice was able to be heard in the timing of visits etc. I'm feeling really unsettled with this new worker. I was just settling in with the old one and feeling like we had a relationship to go off of and it's hard for me to start over. Not to mention that this new worker is a constant reminder of Dora's categorical move.
We've been through our ups and downs in the past couple of weeks. She was doing so great with her speech that she didn't qualify for any speech services but we've faced some major regression in the last week. The only thing I can link it to is that she and I had a really rough week last week. We were just really butting heads and she was really being defiant. No matter how hard I would try to balance the love and positive interactions with the discipline it just wasn't equal last week and normally the discipline is SOOO much less than the positive interactions. It was really discouraging to see her rebel so strongly against both Bryan and I. I'm relieved that while we're still dealing with the defiance that it is sooo much less and is not the primary interaction with her this week. I'm starting to see the words come back and she's starting to make progress once again. Last night I was asking her to say "puh" as we're working to get "please" and she was thrilled to repeat it for tons of praise and she's been saying "Dora" plain as day for a couple of days and she's super proud of herself! I'm so thankful for these words that are once again exciting her to practice speaking!
I wish I knew better how to explain the emotions I'm feeling. Every visit with mom just completely crushes my spirit and brings me to my knees. Like most, I like control and being in this situation where I have none is a really humbling and scary place to be. My only comfort comes from the fact that I have a completely trustworthy God who is the great puppeteer directing every step, every word and every decision the court makes. Even knowing that doesn't erase my fear. It just gives me something to focus my thoughts on when I'm feeling afraid. Once again I'm in that place of taking every thought captive and replacing the bad ones with truth. My heart is a battlefield tonight as I struggle to not let fear overwhelm me and my emotions rule me. It's time to be purposeful in my actions with mom and make every moment I'm with her count because my continued prayer is for voluntary relinquishment. It's the impossible. Social workers tell me their parents don't do it but I'm still praying. I know how ever the situation ends up it's going to bring God the most glory but in my little human heart I can't think of anything that could possibly bring him more glory than for her mom to relinquish her on her own accord. I need to remind myself over and over again before I go to not just let myself be dragged along like i did last time but to go in in control of how I'm handling the situation and be purposeful in my actions and words. I believe God has brought us together for a reason and I need to take every opportunity to love her and build that relationship. I've started thinking about whether or not I should invite her to Dora's birthday party or not. It makes me uncomfortable to do that and I really need to talk to my social worker and see what she says but I also want to show mom that if she were to relinquish it wouldn't mean she'd never see her again and it would also give her a glimpse into our life... I've still got time. We shall see!
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