The Dreaded Day...

Today is the day I've been dreading. The day Dora visits with her mom for the first time since coming into our care. It's so different than with Cinderella. In Cinderella's situation I encourage her relationship with her other family. I love to watch Cinderella and her birthmom play together, love on each other and bond! I want so desperately for her to know how much she is loved by her other family and I feel so privileged and blessed to have them in our lives! I in no way feel threatened by their relationship, just to opposite! I love her, trust her and will never stand in the way of them spending time together! People ask me all the time how I can deal with it and all I can say is that I love her! I chose in the beginning to nurture that relationship as much as I could so that Cinderella could be comfortable, confident and secure to explore a relationship with her and won't feel like she's been disloyal to me by having a relationship with Rachel. My hope is that in the future that she'll experience less loss as a result of seeing first hand the love of her other family. It's such the opposite with Dora. I'm in this insecure position where I have no say, no voice and no rights. mom has rights, Dora has rights, but I have nothing. I'm just in this incredibly vulnerable position.

I've been thinking about today all week. I think God has been merciful to me by placing this first visit following my busiest work week of the year! I didn't have time to think about it too much, or drive myself crazy, or let my fears take control of me. I simply had no time and the time that I did have I was so tired I couldn't waste too much more energy worrying! And then today was just the craziest day! I had planned to feed the girls lunch and stop by COSTCO to pick up pictures before heading out for the visit. But instead, Dora napped late and Addy and I were having so much fun that I completely lost track of time and when I finally looked at the clock it said 12:07! An entire hour later than I thought it was! I had to be in Richmond by 1 and Dora was still asleep, neither girl had shoes on or hair done, none of us had eaten since breakfast, my diaper bag wasn't ready and I didn't have anything to do with Cinderella while we waited! Sigh... It was 12:18 when we left the Taco Bell drive through and were on our way to Richmond. Not too shabby if you ask me, but it was inevitable that we were going to be late. When we got there Cinderella had been asleep for about 20 minutes and she was in the uncomfortable spot where you didn't sleep enough so you feel worse than if you hadn't slept at all so she was just completely out of sorts! It was windy and I didn't see it, but Cinderella saw a paper fly out of the car and away and that just set her off. She was SOOOO upset about that paper flying away! My suspicion is that it was trash from lunch because when I was cleaning up later we were one cheese roll up wrapper short! Definitely nothing to be whining over! Well. She was just melting down while we're trying to get into the building. Then, as we near the door DORA starts squawking! She had dropped her doll, then once she got her doll, she dropped her water bottle and the whole while Cinderella is just in sobs! Again, a blessing right? It may not have felt like it in the moment, but looking back I realize that because of the chaos I was saved the nervous anticipation!

The SW then asked if I wanted her to take Dora because mom was already there and she didn't want me to be uncomfortable. Well, of course I was uncomfortable! how could I not be? But I certainly wasn't going let fear dictate my actions so I told her thanks for thinking of me but I was fine and walked in. We walked towards the woman calling Dora's name, though I would never have picked her to be Dora's mom. She looked nothing like I expected! Well.. she was short and I did expect that :) From there on it was kind of a blur. I remember the SW trying to take Dora and Dora would have none of it. When I went to hand her to mom she wouldn't go to her, but neither did she protest when mom took her from me. I didn't have the presence of mind to watch Dora's face. I wish I had... As they disappear behind the door seperating us in the lobby while they went to a visitation room I hear Cinderella in inconsolable sobs, "My sister! I want my sister!" I reminded her that Dora had an appointment and that she would be back in a little while. I don't think Cinderella would have reacted that way had she not been in a sleep funk, but she did keep her eyes fixed on the door waiting for her sister to return! It breaks my heart to think of them being split up, but I just have to remind myself that God loves her more than I do and that God WILL protect us through this. The thought of my sweet, precious daughter losing her best friend, playmate and sister brings tears to my eyes and makes me question if we made the right decision, but I can't think like that and I WILL NOT let fear control me! There is always going to be risk in any past, present or future adoption. It is the path that God has chosen for us and our children. I can't forget that God is bringing our family specifically and purposefully together and he will equip not only us, but them as well for the events that will shape our lives.

I knew the visit was over when I heard Dora's giddy laughter coming from the direction of the door. She was chasing her mom out of the back rooms and into the lobby and no one would ever know that she barely knows her! It sounds bad, like she had this fantastic time and that she forgot all about us, but if you know Dora, you also know that she'll go to anyone and play with anyone and her playmate today was her mom - NOT that she even knows that she's mom. To her I'm mom and I'm secure in that. It's the courts that make me antsy!

While we had been waiting these two women came in. Their appearance and demeanor made me squirm from the moment they walked in, but what do you know? Yep! First thing mom did was take Dora right to them to show her to them! And then she brought them all over to me! What joy right? Now I'm literally surrounded by people who make me uncomfortable AND they're playing with my child! Sigh... It was at that moment that I was begrudgingly allowing Dora to give high fives to them that I thought to myself, "this can't be God's best for her. They offer her a rough, worldly lifestyle while we offer her a Godly. Christ-centered home where she will be introduced to the Gospel and be raised to love the Lord." I don't know how this will turn out, but I am confident that God wants all to be saved and she'll have a better shot at that living with us than going back to her mom! That's one point for us :)

This week as I've been praying over today I've struggled, as I have from the beginning, because I just can't pray that she'll mess up! So, my prayers have been and will continue to be for voluntary relinquishment. I can't think of anything that would bring God more glory than for this woman to see our lives, see our love for her daughter, and decide on her own that this is where she wants her daughter to be! It may seem like a long shot, but I've known God to change the hearts of people before and do way more impossible things than this! So, my goal is to befriend and love this woman who gave birth to my daughter! Next visit, I WILL be on time. I WILL bring pictures. I WILL be more present when I'm with mom. And I WILL let the Holy Spirit flow through me and see what God does!