Today has been rough for me as I'm sure you all can imagine. But, I have to say that I felt a lot better after talking to my SW. She's been doing this a long time and she's much better at explaining things than Dora's worker. Dora's worker made everything sound like domsday was around the corner, where our worker was able to break it down for me a bit. She said that this often happens, where mom gets services back and gets those extra six months, but that in children under three that's all they get. This is her last chance. I kind of remember all this from the class we took, but it was explained poorly then too. She said that after the six months if mom doesn't do well then it will go to termination again, but that's after 120 days, another 4 months after services are terminated. Then mom can appeal it again. So we're looking at a really long road ahead of us. But she said that she's been doing this since 1985 and in her experience parents in the system are just who they are and that they'll fight hard to win the next court date, but that most of the time they eventually screw up again. I don't want anyone out there reading this to think that I'm hoping that this woman is going to continue to screw up her life. I do hope that something will happen that will allow us to keep Dora, but I hope that it's a change in heart of mom and not that she continues in her lifestyle. Mom has been doing good for a while and she's fighting hard, so there is no way to guarantee the outcome, but knowing that what we are experiencing is pretty normal gave me comfort. I was pretty much expecting another court date. Hopeful it would resolved today, but I went into it expecting it not to be over. What made it so hard was that it was so many steps back. We're basically back to last July when Dora was placed in her last foster home. So, the good news is that if it comes to the point of terminating parental rights we won't have to wait to sign our papers and make it official. We can immediately adopt her after rights are terminated because by then she'll have been in our home over six months. Silver lining, right? Also, if she messes up this time then when she appeals it again this will have been the third time she messed up and that will work in our favor. Silver lining again?? I was really hoping that we'd have a less high risk situation for our first go around with adopting through the county, but I guess that's not the case! No easing into it for this family! We DO have a heart for foster care, we just thought it would be further on down the road!
It will be interesting for me to have to start dealing with mom. Dora's visits with her are supposed to increase to twice a month and I'll be the one taking her. Who knows how God is going to use that. Maybe it will just be that once she sees us together, or sees Cinderella and Dora together that she'll have a change of heart, OR in seeing that we would be open to an open relationship as long as she is clean when we see her she'll sign voluntarily. Who knows. There are so many things that can happen along the way, I just have no idea!
The length of the process is what makes me the most uncomfortable. It's going to be a LONG road that prevents us from moving forward with other things in our life, or pursuing adding other children to our family and it just makes me squirm with discomfort and anxiety. I worry about Cinderella. Obviously, she's my first priority because she's the one that is mine forever, guaranteed. We're just going to have to keep a close eye on her. She'd definitely miss her if Dora ever has to leave, but I just need to remember that both of my children belong to God and that He has their best interest, and mine, at heart. He loves them more than I do, as impossible as that seems! Just when I think I'm getting a handle on this faith thing I'm stretched even more than I thought I could take. But, somehow (ok, I really do know how. He's called the Holy Spirit!) I'm always filled with the strength and the faith to handle each situation that comes my way. I always feel like I've hit my max and God has tested my faith beyond what any person should have to bear, but I always find that there's more room to grow! I'm not going to lie. It's hard work. It's exhausting work. It means taking EVERY thought captive. It means being in the WORD so that I can be filled. It means CHOOSING my attitude. It means PRAYING without ceasing. It means RESTING in God's promises. And it is one of the most exhausting things in my life! BUT, it really brings the peace that only comes from God and it's definitely worth every exhausting, tiring, gut-wrenching moment. It's developing my character and hopefully, it's bringing God glory.
I've shed hundreds of tears today and I'm sure there will be more, but even though my emotions are going CRAZY! I know that God causes all things to work together for good in the lives of people who are called according to HIS purposes. I keep going back to that and holding on to that. Because my hope is not in man, the courts or a mom who is trying to get her daughter back. It's in a loving Father who knows what I need in my life to continue to stretch and grow my faith. Just pray for me!
It will be interesting for me to have to start dealing with mom. Dora's visits with her are supposed to increase to twice a month and I'll be the one taking her. Who knows how God is going to use that. Maybe it will just be that once she sees us together, or sees Cinderella and Dora together that she'll have a change of heart, OR in seeing that we would be open to an open relationship as long as she is clean when we see her she'll sign voluntarily. Who knows. There are so many things that can happen along the way, I just have no idea!
The length of the process is what makes me the most uncomfortable. It's going to be a LONG road that prevents us from moving forward with other things in our life, or pursuing adding other children to our family and it just makes me squirm with discomfort and anxiety. I worry about Cinderella. Obviously, she's my first priority because she's the one that is mine forever, guaranteed. We're just going to have to keep a close eye on her. She'd definitely miss her if Dora ever has to leave, but I just need to remember that both of my children belong to God and that He has their best interest, and mine, at heart. He loves them more than I do, as impossible as that seems! Just when I think I'm getting a handle on this faith thing I'm stretched even more than I thought I could take. But, somehow (ok, I really do know how. He's called the Holy Spirit!) I'm always filled with the strength and the faith to handle each situation that comes my way. I always feel like I've hit my max and God has tested my faith beyond what any person should have to bear, but I always find that there's more room to grow! I'm not going to lie. It's hard work. It's exhausting work. It means taking EVERY thought captive. It means being in the WORD so that I can be filled. It means CHOOSING my attitude. It means PRAYING without ceasing. It means RESTING in God's promises. And it is one of the most exhausting things in my life! BUT, it really brings the peace that only comes from God and it's definitely worth every exhausting, tiring, gut-wrenching moment. It's developing my character and hopefully, it's bringing God glory.
I've shed hundreds of tears today and I'm sure there will be more, but even though my emotions are going CRAZY! I know that God causes all things to work together for good in the lives of people who are called according to HIS purposes. I keep going back to that and holding on to that. Because my hope is not in man, the courts or a mom who is trying to get her daughter back. It's in a loving Father who knows what I need in my life to continue to stretch and grow my faith. Just pray for me!
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