I'm so glad you're here! This is our story. God has lead us to adoption to build our family and here you will find my real and raw experiences with joys and triumphs as well as struggles and sadness. I hope you're encouraged by our story of God's faithfulness and His love for us!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Parenting My Precious Porcupine

when I think we have it all together and that life is going 
smoothly we hit a bump in the road and I realize how foolish 
I was to think that 30 months (10 in utero and 20 outside) of abuse 
and neglect can be fixed in a short 13 months. We had a little, ok MAJOR, fit today and 
I can't figure it out.  Please just pray for me. Us really. 
The fit started over a sticker. Yes, you did read that right. 
A sticker. 
And ended over a half an hour later with a 
broken hearted cry from a child who seemed to be having insecurities 
about being left. I don't know how to connect those dots, 
but it is what it is and when she's freaking out that I'm leaving her
 while she naps it calls for special attention. So as I crawled into bed with her thinking I'll stay there the whole nap if I need to she slipped her 
little arm around my neck and drew my head to her chest. I was reminded that sometimes parenting our little porcupine just needs to go against my grain. 
I feel like I have to relearn all my instincts and do the opposite 
of what I want to do. To me her behavior was manipulative and was trying to avoid 
nap, but her broken hearted little cry told me 
otherwise and I had to stay. 
(In the end she agreed to snuggle Daddy who was already sleeping instead of Mommy because Little Cinderella also needed to take a nap.) 
To me holding her when she's throwing a fit feels 
like it's reinforcing the behavior, but sometimes that's 
what I have to do. When she's flipping out over a sticker 
(which all I wanted to do in the situation was to stop and do a simple redo and teach her to just tell me what happened instead of throw a fit and 
I'd be happy to turn around so that she could pick up her sticker...) 
sometimes that's not the moment to teach. Sometimes that's 
the moment to give her her sticker and do the redo at home later when she's 
not so emotionally invested in the situation. She doesn't hear me in the moment. 
I'm learning. I'm failing. I'm succeeding. I'm fighting
I'm constantly reminded that I am not equipped to handle this on my own 
and I'm foolish if I think I am. I'm having to learn compassion. I've never been a very compassionate person. I've always had more of the 
"suck it up and deal with it" mentality. That's how I am to myself 
and that definitely comes out in my parenting. 
Only it doesn't work with Dora so I'm having to learn compassion and self-control. AND I'm struggling because I don't know 
what she's comprehending when I try to teach her how to behave! 
She either doesn't understand or tunes me out. I'll never now which, 
but I'm leaning towards that she doesn't understand. She's not the high, 
logical thinker of my oldest. Cinderella was made for me. 
We are like chocolate and peanut butter
Perfectly suited for each other! It's no wonder we never have any of these problems! We communicate so perfectly and understand each other as well 
as any two people could. Dora and I are like oil and water
But she needs me. I think she needs me more than 
I even realize and she needs us to mix so by the grace of God
 I'm going to learn to be water! If He can turn water into wine than 
He can turn my oil into water! I'm going to learn to love her the way she needs to
 be loved. I just don't know what that means all the time. 
So, if you think of it please add me to your prayer list once again 
because this is a battle that could quite possibly take me my entire life to win. 
BUT, my moments of success give me hope that I can be the mother that 
this precious child needs. 
She wouldn't be here in my home if that wasn't true. 
God gave her to me so He must trust me enough to treasure her and parent her and He must know that my oily nature needs some refining too! 

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