A Grieving Mother

I'm trying so hard to work through the emotions that I'm feeling and somehow when I write it I can get it out better than telling it. I talked to Dora's bio mom today. I felt like people didn't really understand why I wasn't rejoicing the day of the termination. It was a relief to me but my heart was/is breaking at the same time. It weighs so heavy on my heart that my gain comes at a great loss for my children's biological mothers. Dora's mom didn't even get to choose. I mean, I guess she did in a way because she chose to do too little too late. I think that deep down she did it because she knew Dora is where she needs to be, but as she's processing her grief I'm processing my own grief for her. She expressed to me some of how she's feeling and was honest with me about some things in their past that were just plain hard for me to hear. That story isn't mine to tell so publicly but it hit my heart the things that my child has experienced before coming to me and I feel such sorrow and regret for some of the choices that were made that will affect my child for the rest of her life. I don't think she had any idea how hard that conversation was for me to have with her, but I hope that what she felt from me was love and compassion - not judgement. She brought it up. She lead the conversation but I was able to ask a question that I needed to know the answer to and I'm so thankful that she was comfortable enough to answer. I couldn't have asked the question if she hadn't first brought it up. There are so many more questions that I have and I am so very thankful that we are able to have a relationship where we can talk about these things. But let's be honest. Having her in our life is hard ALL the time. Every text message or phone call my heart races and I'm super uncomfortable. SO different from our experience with Cinderella's bio family. God is so gracious though. In the moment He gives me the grace and compassion to love her and that is the very reason that she isn't fighting. I really hope that I can get to a place where I feel comfortable with Dora having a relationship with her. Right now I allow it because I believe it's in both of their best interests to allow them to have a relationship. So please don't try to talk me out of it. It's hardest on me but it's a choice I made four years ago and I WILL follow through with the promises I made to her.

I think it's so uncomfortable because she still views herself as mom. She told me that she didn't want us to change Dora's name because she thinks she still has a say. I told her that we won't be changing her name because it was a decision we made a year ago to keep it. Well... the truth is we will still call her Dora but legally her name will be changed. I know right now is the hardest time and that it will get easier for her. So, I'll just try to be as supportive and patient as possible until she let's go. I guess if she doesn't than I'll have to help her let go and put up firmer boundaries. But, I know it's still fresh for her and I sense she has more to say.

I'm excited that within a few months Dora will be ours and I'll feel fully in control. It has been an amazing journey and I'm excited for this chapter to be complete. In all honesty, I'm ready for baby #3. I've had a baby on my heart for a few weeks now and that usually leads to direction of some sort... I still feel like there is more under the layers that I just can't share. At least in prayer I can fully share the things on my heart. Just praying for peace in my spirit and wisdom and direction in dealing with the bio mom. I do love her and want her best. The decisions made in the past stay in the past and I'm excited to see her doing so well! God is good!