I've had this post mulling around inside for a while now. I think I just realized this moment that we're past the officially waiting period for her to appeal. YAY! But, we won't know until next week because the social worker will give her a five day grace period before moving forward with the paperwork on our end. I think the fact that I didn't even remember that Monday was the day is just a testimony to the peace that God has given me in this situation. I'm so thankful that His peace came so many months ago. It is such a relief to just rest in God's plan for our family and live in confidence instead of fear!
Last week we had our last official visit with Dora's bio mom. It had been a couple months since we had seen her and all in all it was a good visit. I had instigated the visit for her bio mom's sake because I know that this time is the toughest. She's grieving and I felt that she really needed to see her again in order to help her let go. BUT, I'm so thankful that I'll never have to send Dora into a room with her alone EVER AGAIN! Dora didn't look like she wanted to go so I just pulled her aside and told her I loved her and that I would be waiting for her to get back and then she went happily (and came back running and yelling "MAMA!!!"). I just love that little girl! Dora has been in this cling to Mommy stage where she is grumpy when I leave her (even if I leave her with Daddy and Cinderella at home) and she tries to monopolize me so that Cinderella can't get to me. It's funny to watch her panic when Cinderella and I are snuggling and try to push in but in the end BOTH my children need one on one Mommy time so I do have to set aside time where I just spend time with Cinderella. I can't say that I'm complaining too much. It is tiring but it's so good at the same time. She hasn't liked me that much in the last year. I've been the one doing most of the teaching, correcting and discipling so I guess I'm the mean one. I think her rejection at home has been what has made me really struggle with her. I'm hurt by her. She's hurt by me and it's just a vicious cycle. So, since I recognize the root of the problem now I can do something about it! I've changed the way that I approach her with discipline and correction and have spent more and more time loving on her, building her up and praying for her. I haven't felt that "I'm gonna lose it any minute feeling" in a long time and I just really have to attribute that to a renewed dependence on God. He is faithful to help us when we call out to Him and the climate of our home reflects that!
I was talking with a few other adoptive moms the other day and we were talking about the state in which our children come to us. They all come from different backgrounds and situations but all of them have one thing in common - They come with history that started before they became part of our families. All of them have experienced loss. Loss of biological relationships. Loss of caregivers. Rejection of people they thought they could trust. They all come with broken hearts and we are all eager to jump in thinking we can "fix" them. But, we all know that the only healer of hearts is the Lord Jesus Christ and until He intervenes and gives them wholeness we are only able to treat the symptoms and love them the best that we can. I think we can prepare ahead of time and think we know what to do before they come to us, but when the rubber meets the road none of us know what to do. We don't know the experiences that they faced before coming to our home and we don't know how to make them feel loved and secure. It's so different than the situation with Cinderella. We got all that bonding time when she was an infant. She learned she could trust me and rely on me before she knew anything else. She wasn't born flesh of my flesh but I forget that most of the time because she's mine in every sense of the word. We're confident in our love and adoration of each other. She's my beloved child. My gift from God! Dora is all those things too but even a year later we're still learning about each other and developing a trust relationship. I make the mistake of thinking that since a year has passed we're past the worst of it. She must be secure and confident in our home but you know what? The theme of her life recently as been "don't leave me!" Whether I'm leaving the room, the house, to go to work, walking down the stairs, putting her down for nap or even in her dreams I believe she's afraid I'm going to leave her. As she screams "No, no! Mama! Mama!" in the midst of night terrors. Breaks your heart. Doesn't it? It breaks mine! So, even a year later and her only being 20 months when she came to us there is still an underlying sense of fear of abandonment in her heart. TIme to hug her more. Love on her more. Listen to her needs more. Be more compassionate. More patient... the list goes on and on. Her heart is still broken and I can't fix it. I believe in time her heart will heal. I pray that she will come to understand who Jesus is and His awesome love for her and that she will experience true wholeness and peace through Him! I have hope that the future is bright and that God will give me the tools that I need to parent her and love her as she needs to be loved.
Why am I telling all of you this? Because I feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started out. I've made a ton of mistakes and I thought that we had it all together. I want you to see all the aspects of adoption so that you can understand people in this situation better. You'll know better what life is like inside adoption and if you even find yourself in our situation (which my prayer is that at least 1 of you will be spurred to adopt because of our family) that you'll be able to go into it with realistic expectations. It's wonderful and watching Dora grow in our home has been the most rewarding experience of my life! But now I know I'll be more prepared when we bring the next non-infant into our home. I didn't believe people when they told me that even at 20 months they'd come with baggage. I do now and I also have seen the growth in her confidence, her trust and her security in our home. I CAN'T WAIT to finalize her adoption in court! What a victory that will be for all of us and she'll be able to see that she's staying with us forever and always! Praise be to God who has and continues to see us through to completion!
Last week we had our last official visit with Dora's bio mom. It had been a couple months since we had seen her and all in all it was a good visit. I had instigated the visit for her bio mom's sake because I know that this time is the toughest. She's grieving and I felt that she really needed to see her again in order to help her let go. BUT, I'm so thankful that I'll never have to send Dora into a room with her alone EVER AGAIN! Dora didn't look like she wanted to go so I just pulled her aside and told her I loved her and that I would be waiting for her to get back and then she went happily (and came back running and yelling "MAMA!!!"). I just love that little girl! Dora has been in this cling to Mommy stage where she is grumpy when I leave her (even if I leave her with Daddy and Cinderella at home) and she tries to monopolize me so that Cinderella can't get to me. It's funny to watch her panic when Cinderella and I are snuggling and try to push in but in the end BOTH my children need one on one Mommy time so I do have to set aside time where I just spend time with Cinderella. I can't say that I'm complaining too much. It is tiring but it's so good at the same time. She hasn't liked me that much in the last year. I've been the one doing most of the teaching, correcting and discipling so I guess I'm the mean one. I think her rejection at home has been what has made me really struggle with her. I'm hurt by her. She's hurt by me and it's just a vicious cycle. So, since I recognize the root of the problem now I can do something about it! I've changed the way that I approach her with discipline and correction and have spent more and more time loving on her, building her up and praying for her. I haven't felt that "I'm gonna lose it any minute feeling" in a long time and I just really have to attribute that to a renewed dependence on God. He is faithful to help us when we call out to Him and the climate of our home reflects that!
I was talking with a few other adoptive moms the other day and we were talking about the state in which our children come to us. They all come from different backgrounds and situations but all of them have one thing in common - They come with history that started before they became part of our families. All of them have experienced loss. Loss of biological relationships. Loss of caregivers. Rejection of people they thought they could trust. They all come with broken hearts and we are all eager to jump in thinking we can "fix" them. But, we all know that the only healer of hearts is the Lord Jesus Christ and until He intervenes and gives them wholeness we are only able to treat the symptoms and love them the best that we can. I think we can prepare ahead of time and think we know what to do before they come to us, but when the rubber meets the road none of us know what to do. We don't know the experiences that they faced before coming to our home and we don't know how to make them feel loved and secure. It's so different than the situation with Cinderella. We got all that bonding time when she was an infant. She learned she could trust me and rely on me before she knew anything else. She wasn't born flesh of my flesh but I forget that most of the time because she's mine in every sense of the word. We're confident in our love and adoration of each other. She's my beloved child. My gift from God! Dora is all those things too but even a year later we're still learning about each other and developing a trust relationship. I make the mistake of thinking that since a year has passed we're past the worst of it. She must be secure and confident in our home but you know what? The theme of her life recently as been "don't leave me!" Whether I'm leaving the room, the house, to go to work, walking down the stairs, putting her down for nap or even in her dreams I believe she's afraid I'm going to leave her. As she screams "No, no! Mama! Mama!" in the midst of night terrors. Breaks your heart. Doesn't it? It breaks mine! So, even a year later and her only being 20 months when she came to us there is still an underlying sense of fear of abandonment in her heart. TIme to hug her more. Love on her more. Listen to her needs more. Be more compassionate. More patient... the list goes on and on. Her heart is still broken and I can't fix it. I believe in time her heart will heal. I pray that she will come to understand who Jesus is and His awesome love for her and that she will experience true wholeness and peace through Him! I have hope that the future is bright and that God will give me the tools that I need to parent her and love her as she needs to be loved.
Why am I telling all of you this? Because I feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started out. I've made a ton of mistakes and I thought that we had it all together. I want you to see all the aspects of adoption so that you can understand people in this situation better. You'll know better what life is like inside adoption and if you even find yourself in our situation (which my prayer is that at least 1 of you will be spurred to adopt because of our family) that you'll be able to go into it with realistic expectations. It's wonderful and watching Dora grow in our home has been the most rewarding experience of my life! But now I know I'll be more prepared when we bring the next non-infant into our home. I didn't believe people when they told me that even at 20 months they'd come with baggage. I do now and I also have seen the growth in her confidence, her trust and her security in our home. I CAN'T WAIT to finalize her adoption in court! What a victory that will be for all of us and she'll be able to see that she's staying with us forever and always! Praise be to God who has and continues to see us through to completion!
No comments:
Post a Comment