Time is a passin'

I feel like the past two weeks have FLOWN by! Between trips to the zoo, Happy Hallow, Fairytale Town, my birthday, Easter, park days, WIC appointments for Dora, Speech Therapy, and daily life, most days pass in the blink of an eye. It's no wonder my cold and lost voice are hanging on so long!

My social worker came out today for a visit with me and to observe how things were going in our house. It's hard for me to imagine that the first go around she seemed like she hated us! This time she has been so positive and so encouraging! I know that the change of heart could only come from the Lord and I'm so thankful! Today she only had positive things to say and was really encouraging that both she and Dora's social worker are really pleased with this placement. It makes me feel so confident that we're right where God wants us to be!

Dora is improving so much! No one can deny her growth and again, it's encouraging to get good feedback from speech therapists. I don't like going to the class, but I do appreciate having them around so that they can watch her blossom too. The other day Dora ate something that was hot and without me telling her it was hot she said "haw" on her own. That's the sort of thing that keeps me going in being diligent to help her with her speech. And then today after I changed her diaper it sounded like she said "thank you" unprompted. These moments are becoming more and more frequent and I'm so thankful for them.

Dora has her first visit with mom since we have had her on the 11th and I'm a little nervous about it. I'm not sure if we'll see her that day or not. I know that I have to take her to the appointment, but I don't know if our paths will cross or not. Part of me really hopes that they do and the other part is nervous to see her. In a sense we are competing for Dora at this point and there's no question who "mom" is at this point and it's not her. I've heard that Dora shows no attachment to her mom at all and while she'll play with her she has no desire to be affectionate with her or any remembrance of who she is when she sees her. She hasn't seen her since March and I anticipate and fight when Dora is taken from me. We'll just have to see how it goes I guess.

I go back to work on Monday :( At least it's only four weeks and then I'm off again. Just got to get through the next few weeks and pray pray pray Bryan is able to secure a full time position by June so that I don't have to go back!

Living in God's Peace

I keep waiting to reach the place in my walk with God where my first response is faith. It seems that no matter what circumstance I face my first reaction is fear. I will say that what I do see in my life is a quicker response time. It takes less and less freak out before the faith kicks in every time I face a circumstance in my life that is uncomfortable or scary or painful. But, that's not what I desire for myself is just a quickER response. I want my response to be immediate. I was fearful when we got the call about Dora and was fearful when I got that phone call on Thursday. But the point is that my fear is irrational because I know that God is faithful in all circumstances in my life, the good and the bad. He has proven Himself over and over again and STILL I have problems trusting Him. It grieves my spirit. But, just so we're all clear, I'm OK now. By Thursday night I was fine. Exhausted and drained, but the line had been drawn, the decision had been made and I was confident in it.

As all of this has kind of settled in my mind and my heart I was reminded of two women from the Old Testament. Jocabed, the mother of Moses, and Hannah the mother of Samuel. Both women only had the infant and toddler years to teach their children Godly character and wisdom. Both men grew to be very influential and important figures in the history of His people which I think is such a testament to the teaching that their mothers did in the short time that they had them. And, it's such a blessing to their mothers as well to watch their children grow into men of God from afar. Even if I only have the next six months with Dora I have so much I can teach her! God put her in my life at this point in her life because we needed each other and I'm content in that. I pray that I have years and years to teach her many many things and that she can grow up in our family, but you better believe that I will seize every opportunity to teach her as much as possible between now and then. We're at this place where we choose to be hopeful that she will permanently be a member of our family and we need you to be there with us. We realize that we're putting you in a potentially emotionally risky position, but we're all adults here and we believe that God is gracious enough to help you through it. We have a child here who is very observant and very aware of how she is being treated and we expect our family and friends to treat her as a permanent member of our family. Both our children are equal.

Here's the thing that I've learned about the system. What we're experiencing is NORMAL! Why Dora's social worker made it seem like we're the first people this has ever happened to and that it was completely unexpected baffles my mind and it certainly caused me an inexcusable amount of confusion and pain. In talking with our SW it became very clear that this is 100% normal, expected and happens all the time and in most instances the child does not go back to their parent. The more I've thought about other families that have had experiences with the county the more I've realized that most/many/all have experienced something similar and all of these realizations provided the beginning of healing in my heart. Had our SW been the one to call to tell us the news I would have been saved a lot of pain! I really expected the court process to be drawn out than they expected because it just seems like nothing is as easy as people expect it to be. The amount of backtrack in the process caught me off guard though and really shocked my system. Just like in anything else it's scary until you have all the facts and then when you're educated it suddenly isn't as scary as it once was. So, we're living life in our new reality. It's a risky and potentially costly reality, but we're right where God wants us to be. We didn't go into this process with blinders only hearing what we wanted to hear. We were well aware of the risk and we made an educated decision. In many ways we're counting the cost of that decision now. It really makes me think about the Christian life. Receiving the gift of salvation is the easy part, but the cost of discipleship is great. If you think for a moment that the Christian walk is supposed to be easy, free of pain and suffering than you need to reconsider. Jesus said that we are to deny ourself, take up our cross DAILY and follow Him. For some that means losing friends, for others it means financial hardship or infertility or disability or death. But the thing is, the benefits far out way the cost. It's the same here. The decision to adopt was easy and now we're in the tough part, counting the cost of our decision. BUT, whether the time we have with Dora is 6 months, 12 months, 12 years or a lifetime, the benefits will far out way the cost.

The other thing that I've learned about the system is that they drag things out way longer than anyone thinks that they ought to so that they can say that they did everything they possibly could to reunify mom and child. I've heard it from foster parents and our social worker alike that often they run it out without ever having any intention of reuniting them. I don't fully understand why they do what they do, but I do know that God is STILL in control of the court's decisions. It isn't a surprise to Him and He already has a plan laid out in the best interest of everyone involved.

I've gotten the sense that people aren't sure what to say to us or are afraid of giving us false hope. Don't be. Our eyes are WIDE open, but instead of living in fear of the future we're living in hope. So please choose to hope with us. Don't be afraid that by encouraging us or admitting that there's hope is in any way giving us a false sense of security or hope. It's not going to hurt us in the future if you were hopeful with us along the way. It will hurt us now if you choose to live in fear, discouragement or doubt. We're living in hope of the future and we expect you to as well. If you can't do that then maybe we're better off without each other until this process is over. NO ONE is more aware of the risk than we are.

I think you can't really understand God's peace unless you have experienced it or are experiencing it. But I would be a wreck without it! God's peace is one of the many benefits of discipleship and it is what gives me the strength to walk through the trials I face

My hope is in the Lord

Today has been rough for me as I'm sure you all can imagine. But, I have to say that I felt a lot better after talking to my SW. She's been doing this a long time and she's much better at explaining things than Dora's worker. Dora's worker made everything sound like domsday was around the corner, where our worker was able to break it down for me a bit. She said that this often happens, where mom gets services back and gets those extra six months, but that in children under three that's all they get. This is her last chance. I kind of remember all this from the class we took, but it was explained poorly then too. She said that after the six months if mom doesn't do well then it will go to termination again, but that's after 120 days, another 4 months after services are terminated. Then mom can appeal it again. So we're looking at a really long road ahead of us. But she said that she's been doing this since 1985 and in her experience parents in the system are just who they are and that they'll fight hard to win the next court date, but that most of the time they eventually screw up again. I don't want anyone out there reading this to think that I'm hoping that this woman is going to continue to screw up her life. I do hope that something will happen that will allow us to keep Dora, but I hope that it's a change in heart of mom and not that she continues in her lifestyle. Mom has been doing good for a while and she's fighting hard, so there is no way to guarantee the outcome, but knowing that what we are experiencing is pretty normal gave me comfort. I was pretty much expecting another court date. Hopeful it would resolved today, but I went into it expecting it not to be over. What made it so hard was that it was so many steps back. We're basically back to last July when Dora was placed in her last foster home. So, the good news is that if it comes to the point of terminating parental rights we won't have to wait to sign our papers and make it official. We can immediately adopt her after rights are terminated because by then she'll have been in our home over six months. Silver lining, right? Also, if she messes up this time then when she appeals it again this will have been the third time she messed up and that will work in our favor. Silver lining again?? I was really hoping that we'd have a less high risk situation for our first go around with adopting through the county, but I guess that's not the case! No easing into it for this family! We DO have a heart for foster care, we just thought it would be further on down the road!

It will be interesting for me to have to start dealing with mom. Dora's visits with her are supposed to increase to twice a month and I'll be the one taking her. Who knows how God is going to use that. Maybe it will just be that once she sees us together, or sees Cinderella and Dora together that she'll have a change of heart, OR in seeing that we would be open to an open relationship as long as she is clean when we see her she'll sign voluntarily. Who knows. There are so many things that can happen along the way, I just have no idea!

The length of the process is what makes me the most uncomfortable. It's going to be a LONG road that prevents us from moving forward with other things in our life, or pursuing adding other children to our family and it just makes me squirm with discomfort and anxiety. I worry about Cinderella. Obviously, she's my first priority because she's the one that is mine forever, guaranteed. We're just going to have to keep a close eye on her. She'd definitely miss her if Dora ever has to leave, but I just need to remember that both of my children belong to God and that He has their best interest, and mine, at heart. He loves them more than I do, as impossible as that seems! Just when I think I'm getting a handle on this faith thing I'm stretched even more than I thought I could take. But, somehow (ok, I really do know how. He's called the Holy Spirit!) I'm always filled with the strength and the faith to handle each situation that comes my way. I always feel like I've hit my max and God has tested my faith beyond what any person should have to bear, but I always find that there's more room to grow! I'm not going to lie. It's hard work. It's exhausting work. It means taking EVERY thought captive. It means being in the WORD so that I can be filled. It means CHOOSING my attitude. It means PRAYING without ceasing. It means RESTING in God's promises. And it is one of the most exhausting things in my life! BUT, it really brings the peace that only comes from God and it's definitely worth every exhausting, tiring, gut-wrenching moment. It's developing my character and hopefully, it's bringing God glory.

I've shed hundreds of tears today and I'm sure there will be more, but even though my emotions are going CRAZY! I know that God causes all things to work together for good in the lives of people who are called according to HIS purposes. I keep going back to that and holding on to that. Because my hope is not in man, the courts or a mom who is trying to get her daughter back. It's in a loving Father who knows what I need in my life to continue to stretch and grow my faith. Just pray for me!

The Big News...

So....tired.... You all know we went into this process with our eyes wide open and we always knew that even though the SW's were confident that things were going to go in our favor that were was a possibility that it wouldn't. Well, once I finally got a response from the SW it was not what I wanted to hear. Basically, the court sided with mom and are giving her six months of services again. I'm still learning about the process, but I'm pretty sure that when parents are given six months of services that those kids are not classified as "adoptable." So, now Dora is unadoptable and she is no longer even in the adoptions unit which means that we have a choice. To choose to be her foster parents for the next six months and see where things are going to go or let her leave and be placed into a foster home. So, we've taken massive steps backwards in the process. I'm still waiting to talk to our social worker, I think she'll explain it better than Dora's social worker did. I'm just not sure what happens in six months if mom doesn't get her act together enough. I don't know how long it will drag on. I've been on the phone with the FM all afternoon off and on and the thing that I keep seeing is how unexpected this decision is. It just doesn't make sense from a human perspective. I saw it from SWD and I'm seeing it in the FM. Rights SHOULD have been terminated yesterday and something strange happened and they weren't.

My spirit is crushed and I'm exhausted beyond words, but I know that God is most glorified in hopeless situations. This decision came as a surprise to us, but not to God. It's taken me a few hours to come around, but I know that out of hopeless situations He makes miracles happen and He is glorified all the more because of it. I know it's weird, but I'm starting to feel confident in the fact that things are so messed up and the unexpected happened. It's almost like I can see God working in the situation. I don't think this is over. I don't know what the outcome will be and just as I went into it with eyes wide open the first time, I'll keep my eyes open and fixed on Jesus and pray for a miracle.

Ugh... Should have gone...

Totally regretting not going to the hearing today. If we ever have another one for Dora or any other children, I'm definitely going. I just need to keep reminding myself that I only stayed home because I felt it was in the best interest of Dora, but it's KILLING me not knowing what's going on. Once I found out we couldn't take her it really put a damper on things for me. If she had been with us a little longer then I would have gone, but I haven't had the chance to get her acclimated to other people yet and I really wanted to be really bonded before leaving her with anyone else. Sigh... I just need to trust the Lord right now and that He was the one leading my decision to stay home. I can't even remember what time the hearing is. I think she said 1:30, but I'm not sure. Resting in God's plan for my family.

Big Day's Coming Up!

Well, we are falling into a routine and I'm liking it! Before when Dora would come to visit our daily routine went out the window and that was really tough for me. I've always been a really structured mom and we've been able to be flexible within our routine, but having no routine made me just exhausted! So I'm SO relieved to have figured out how to make Dora's daily needs fit into our family routine, AND we are all thriving.

Wednesday's the big day. Please, please, please, keep us in your prayers between now and then. It's the hearing where the courts are planning to terminate Dora's mom's parental rights. I pushed the SW on Friday to hear from her perspective where things were at. I just wanted her to spell it out for me because they never have. I had made a lot of assumptions about what had happened and where we were in the process and what was going to happen next. I was pretty much right in what I had been thinking, but it was nice to have it spelled out clearly. The SW apparently asked for a continuance at the last hearing because she hadn't identified an adoptive family for Dora, but at the hearing on Wednesday her report and her testimony will be to terminate parental rights and move forward with us adopting her. I had originally wanted to go, but I guess we can't take Dora with us if we go, so I can't see how it would be in Dora's best interest if we go. The SW will fill us in, but I guess I'm just interested in the process. It's probably not as interesting as I think it will be =)

God works all things for good!

Today was the big day! Dora is officially living with us now! I'm so relieved. It has been really taxing to coordinate with the foster mom and get over there to pick her up and/or drop her off every day. I'll be so relieved to wake up and not be in a rush each morning to get out of the house to pick her up! And not only the extra business of all that, but also to get into a routine. The more she's here the easier it's getting. We've finally mastered naptime... I think. Yesterday I was losing it trying to figure out why both Cinderella AND Dora weren't sleeping but then I put a couple blankets up to cover the window and like magic Dora slept! Whew! I'm convinced that she needs to go back to two naps a day. I think with all the extra stimulation she's getting from living with us she needs the extra time for her brain to rest and digest. I'm thankful that she was able to take two naps today and I'm looking forward to the one on one time with Cinderella each day. I think it will be good for Cinderella. She's been my biggest challenge this week. People keep telling me it's normal for the other child to act out, but it just grieves my spirit to see my beloved child acting so sinful. Kerry told me today that her wise sister said that when your kids start acting out to love on them more and spend more time with them. So, I started working really hard to respond with love and affection EVEN when she deserves discipline. It's a hard balance for me and I'm sure I'm making so many mistakes along the way, but responding with love and understanding and following that with discipline seems to be helping. Not gonna lie though - it's tough when Cinderella's been down right defiant or just plain mean. I'm really thankful that God is patient with me when I'm down right defiant towards Him and that He loves me despite my own sinful behavior so I need to find it in myself to be Christ to my daughter, even when I have to say the same thing over and over and it just doesn't seem to make an impact. Such are the joys and challenges of parenthood :) I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last to struggle with these things.

Dora is so happy! She seems to be the happiest when we are home and she's especially happy in the evening after dinner. I guess this morning she knew I would be coming to get her. I normally get her around 8, but this morning was more flexible so it was more like 8:45 and I guess for about a half an hour before I came Dora was waiting at the door for me. She was so happy to see me and so excited to go. Then when we got in the car she looked at Cinderella and she got a HUGE smile on her face! It is obvious to me that she's happy in our family. She started giving more kisses today and she loves being kissed, snuggled and tickled. Cinderella has had to give her hugs and kisses when she's apologizing for something and Dora is even responding to Cinderella’s affection now with big smiles. At first she got really upset and pushed her away, so even though they are in this constant power struggle over toys and mom they are developing a nice bond.

Tomorrow the SW comes to visit with us and for us to sign the placement papers! The foster mom told me that she expects that we'll have two more 2-6 hearings (the hearing to terminate rights) before we're done with the court process, but I'm praying that something unexpected happens and we're done on the 20th. I guess Dora has been slated for adoption from the beginning and that the day the FM picked her up she got her directly from the court. The judge couldn't even wait till the hearing was over before calling in care for her. She said that the diaper bag she was given had more drug paraphanilia than baby stuff. I have the disgusting bag sitting in my car now. I don't want it, but she said to hold on to it in case we have to give it back. yuck!

I'm just so grieved for the things that Dora experienced (including a chemical burn from cooking meth down her stomach) before she came into care. But, I can't waste too much time thinking and worrying about it because all those terrible things that happened to her are the very things that brought her to me and so in a way I'm thankful for them. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)