These Visits Break my Heart

Sitting once again waiting for Dora to visit with with mom. These visits break my heart. She was actually happy to see mom today and affectionate towards her. It can be hard for me because i always feel like i have to defend our relationship and bond. But Cinderella seems to have the same kind of connection with Rachel. There is just some kind of unexplainable bond and I'm ok with it. I just need to remember that our relationships are different and that that bond doesn't diminish the bond that I have with either of my girls. (spoken to myself) These are painful days...

Meeting Went Well!

Thanks to everyone who was praying! The meeting with the social worker went really well. I really like her. She actually called us to let us know she was running late and she doesn't understand why the judge made the decision she made either! I was afraid we would lose our advocate when we lost Monica but it doesn't sound like we did. She did say that there is a possibility that it will be continued at the next court date which I would hate to see. But she did give hope that while mom is still doing well it hasn't been perfect and that she'll still be in her program at the next court date and you can't have children in her program. So I guess it was a glimmer of hope! Well.. thanks everyone! We're off to the water park!

Meeting the new Worker

Tomorrow we meet the new social worker. I'm not really nervous, just curious how it's going to go. Things have changed a lot since the last one and I'm really ready to address some of those things! Praying for wisdom and grace tomorrow and that we connect well so that I can feel like I really have her support. I've been feeling very alone since we've switched social workers. Lacking in support and almost under attack by her helper who supervises and arranges visits. I'm praying that tomorrow is a turn around and that she'll see Dora thriving in our home and be willing to go to bat for us. I'd be so grateful for your prayers. I know God hears the prayers of one but believe that the prayers of many are even better! I'll update you all after the visit!

A Name is a Name

So this visit went pretty well. I know it must be weird for her to come in and see her child bonded to other people more than her but she is pretty sweet all things considered. They had their visit then we went in and did the party together and they ended the visit together. This visit was different than the others. When Dora came out she came RUNNING to me and Cinderella with BIG OL' smiles!!! When we got to the visitation room she was all over me, calling me "Mama". Looking to me for everything which was really affirming for me. We had a lot of good conversation. I found out how Dora was named Dora! It was a name her dad came up with to mix the two of their names. I also found out that the information was told about her other kids was inaccurate. She has a 13 year old son and a 9 year old daughter and then Dora. We were able to look at pictures on my phone from camping and talk about her speech development. My only frustration is that we were so micromanaged by the social worker stand in. I'm really struggling with her because she doesn't know us or the case and yet she is involving herself WAY more than I would like and I know she writes up reports about the visits coming from a skewed perspective and I feel like I have no alli where before I felt like Monica and I were on the same team. It makes matters worse that I still haven't met her new social worker and it's been almost two months!!! So I haven't been able to really check in with someone else to make sure that things are going as they're supposed to. It is just all happening SOOO different than it was before and it's really unsettling to me. I guess I probably need to call MY social worker next week and bounce things off of her because I'm feeling bulldozed around by this lady. She didn't let me talk to the mom on my own so I never got to apologize to her for my insensitive comment - though I hope bringing in a party shows her we value her and want her to be a part of our life long-term if we adopt Dora. She even told me I needed to loosen Dora's carseat straps when the mom buckled her in which according to the current recommendations are barely tight enough! I could almost pinch them! Sigh. I felt really insulted.

One of the conversations that we had revolved around Cinderella’s and our relationship with her biological family/family of origin. It was great to be able to talk about what a great relationship we have with her and that we see her fairly regularly and I was able to communicate how important it is to me that our kids keep their ties to their first family. I think even though it probably made her a little uncomfortable it was good for her to hear and good for me to know that she knows. Overall I'm really glad for the time together today even though I didn't want to be there.

Plus I just got a call from Dora's social worker setting up an appointment for a visit on wednesday morning. I know I'll feel a lot better having talked with her!

Well... I'm sure I could have written this better but I'm so tired!!! Thanks everyone for your continued prayers and support!

Birthday Party with Mom

I'm sitting waiting for Dora's visit with her mom and then we're having a small party for her birthday. I'm so tired from just getting home from camping last night that I really don't want to be here right now. It was such a struggle to get here this morning I can't even handle the emotions so I guess they're kind of turned off today. Dora went to her happy as a clam buy also was looking hesitantly at me and Cinderella. I'm reminding myself as I write this that when I've been gone for any length of time she comes running to me with arms wide open screaming "Mama, Mama, Mama!!" over and over again. This place just is a sobering reminder that she's not mine. Which then reminds me that neither of my children are "mine" because they belong to the Lord. I need so much grace in this moment! Thankful that i can confidently say that I am never alone. God is always here with me lovingly planning the course of my life for my best.

Selfishness makes me Sad

I'm so selfish it kills me at times. I think I get so stuck on how this process has the potential to hurt ME that I forget that there is another woman with a mother's heart for Dora who has the potential to be hurt. Today her mom was a no-show. The social worker said that she was told she was on the bus on her way and then came out five minutes later saying that she was on her way to a funeral. I'm taking her word for it but she also said she wasn't going to tell me so I just think it's weird. I should be thrilled that mom didn't show up because it goes in our favor, but the social worker we were meeting brought up something that has haunted me from our last visit. When we were saying our good-byes I was flustered because Dora was crying when she was coming to me and said something really thoughtless and it's bugged me ever since. I said "she does this with everyone." It may be the truth, but it was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time and I hurt her mom. The social worker said that she saw mom's face fall and that she helped diffuse the situation but I was in tears as she was telling me. I already felt bad, but now I feel REALLY bad! I'm so thankful that God can use even my imperfections because my hope is that He'll use my carelessness for good in our relationship as I seek her forgiveness when we see her in two weeks.

I so desperately want to build our relationship so that she can feel comfortable with us enough to possibly choose our family for Dora. Based on what the social worker said she sees how her daughter is "absolutely thriving" in our home and I guess she said "thank you for taking such good care of my little girl" but I didn't hear her in my embarrassment at my careless response to Dora's crying. I felt that same vibe from her throughout our last visit so I really hope that I can rebuild next visit.

The next visit is a week before Dora's birthday so I'm going to bring in a party so that we can celebrate with her. I want her to feel like she is important in Dora's life and also want her to see a glimpse of what life would be like if we adopted Dora. So I'm going to go out and get some party stuff, some presents and make cupcakes (even though it will kill me since we get back from camping the day before!) and bring a candle. I toyed with the idea of inviting her to Dora's birthday party but I'm just not there yet. Baby steps! We barely know each other! I had these plans prior to today, but I hope that this will help rebuild any damage my foolishness caused.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'm realizing that I need to hold Dora a little more lightly than I have been. I've been holding on pretty hard thinking I could somehow control the situation when what I need to be doing is trusting God's plan for all of us. I struggled with that with Cinderella's adoption too. I waged a HUGE internal battle during her gestation and here it is again. Please be lifting me up in prayer! I want you to know that I can feel your prayers in my ability to cope with the situation. They help me find peace when my insides are a war zone. I can see them as Dora improves leaps and bounds every week. I can see them in my attitude as I parent a child who already knows how to push my buttons and I can see them as I am able to love this child who has only been in my home two and a half months with the same love that I love Cinderella whom I forget is not flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone. I couldn't possibly love either one more had she grown inside of me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

LOVE

Ok folks! Another visit tomorrow with mom. I covet your prayers! I think since it is so close to the last one I don't feel quite so emotional about it but I know it will be still be hard.

On a positive note. Dora's speech is improving again by leaps and bounds! She is saying even more words and when I was reading a book, something like Little Quack's ABC's or something like that, I was making the letter sounds and saying the letter and she was chirping in making the letter sounds as well! Plus, I've heard her start to put two or more words together! She says something that is not "I want more" but it certainly is on it's way to becoming that and is definitely what she is TRYING to say. I'm so concerned with being able to make it out clearly, more that she's continuing to make progress. The clarity will come because the words that she knows become clearer every day.

Her other big milestone is that she is continuing to try to sing songs. The words are hardly distinguishable but like with words and phrases, it will come! I'm just so pleased that she's trying!

The other day we went to Lawrence Hall of Science and I was super impressed with something she did. I'll post a picture, but basically there were shaded circles and I asked all three girls (Cinderella, Baylee Rapier and Dora) to place circle chips onto the shaded circles and Dora whipped it out super fast and extremely accurately! I knew Cinderella and Baylee would be able to do it no problem, but I've never seen Dora do anything like that before! I was very proud of her!

She's been such a happy girl the past couple of weeks and outside of the constant grunt when she's frustrated or Cinderella's taking something from her there has been a dramatic decrease in her defiance! Praising the Lord for that!

Rachel's wedding weekend was great! Cinderella had such a great time dancing! She was just a little energizer bunny on the dance floor! She crashed super hard and was so tired when we got home that she was just crying in her sleep! I love that she could just dance the night away with Rachel and all of the family! I love how they all love her so much and how we are just all family now. And they treated Dora exactly the same! Love them! What a blessing they all are to our family. I love how through adoption our extended family is growing! My biggest prayer is that Dora's mom will see that if we adopt Dora she isn't loosing her as long as she is clean and sober. I hope she'll see how we'll just bring her into the family and she'll still be able to see Dora grow up and be a part of her life. I can imagine how scared she must be that she'd never see her daughter again and I feel for her. I just hope that she'll see how much we love her and how much we have to offer her! Last visit went really well. Praying that tomorrow will be a continuation of that! Thank you in advance for your prayers! I KNOW that your prayers directly affected the visit last week and I thank you for your contribution to this process and our family by your faithfulness in bringing us before the Father! Your prayers ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE if nothing else in the peace that surrounds me and sustains me!