The Waiting Game

Can I just say that I'm obsessed? I'm obsessed with preschool! The teacher in me can't wait to take on a new adventure in education! Addy is loving the new activities too. I'm not ready to do structured preschool with her, but I've picked up a few ideas along the way that she loves! Yesterday we got her UNO Moo game out with colored game pieces and she did some sorting where she sorted the pieces into like colors. She was pretty proud of herself when she was done and it has become a game that she keeps going back to. I also hit up the Valentine's Day Clearance section at Walmart and picked up some plastic hearts, taped numbers to them and we've organized them in numerical order from 1-10, but more than anything she just really enjoys playing with them. I've gotten a ton of ideas from confessionsofahomeschooler.blogspot.com there is just an endless amount of stuff to look at and download!

I got my pregnancy packet (adoption paperwork) FINALLY in the mail last Thursday. Now it's out of our hands and in the hands of our social worker. No matter how qualified I know I am to have another child, I'm always concerned about how we look on paper. It makes me feel self-conscious to know that the future of my family depends on how good we look on paper. I'm so glad that our social worker had a chance to see our family in person and she can see that we are choosing to live simply so that we can make spending time as a family a priority. I find myself doubting that we will be approved, but then I realize that I'm being a doubting Thomas. I so badly need to keep my eyes fixed on the Lord and realize that He has everything completely under control.

We went to visit some friends who have a young baby this past weekend and one night as I went to sleep I found myself talking to God about our future child. I trust Him fully when it comes to what kind of child gets placed with us. I know that if He provides a toddler we will love that toddler and that child will be the perfect child for us. But, I also know that the desire of my heart is a baby. It feels impossible with the type of adoption that we're doing to get placed with an infant, but I also know that with God all things are possible so I ask! Regardless of what happens I know that my loving Father wants to hear the desires of my heart. As long as I'm asking with a heart that is submissive to His plan and that is open to what He has in store for me. I know He hears my requests, but I trust Him with this decision so much more than I trust myself! Even when I think I know what I want He knows me so much better than I know myself and He desires even more for me than I would ask for myself! There is nothing to doubt or to distrust. He provided above and beyond anything I could have asked for or dreamed of with Addy. He EXCEEDED my dreams, my hopes and my expectations. I have no doubt He will do that again even if the end result is different from what I currently am hoping and praying for. I need to call our social worker tomorrow to make sure she got our packet. Hopefully all is well!

A Journey of Desire

We've been planning on child #2 for quite some time now. So let me update you! We began our journey to a second child last May with a plan to adopt a child from Ethiopia. We pursued Ethiopia for months before the reality of the financial commitment set in. We are financially unprepared to take on a commitment of that magnitude and though our desire is to eventually add an African child to our family, it looks like our next addition will come from right here in our own County. The paperwork I've been talking about will be turned into Contra Costa Children and Family services homefinding unit.

This has been a very different adoption journey than I had with Addy. In fact, it's kind of the opposite! My emotions were so raw with Addy. It was torture to watch people get pregnant and my desire for a child was all consuming! So here I am waiting for #2 and I feel nothing! I can't decide if it's a defense mechanism or if I've just learned that it is better to just trust God's plan for my family. I'd like to think that it's the second, but it's probably a combination. I have learned so much about trusting God's plan for my life. There was a time when I felt the need to control my future. When I thought that trusting God to provide my family meant that I would be waiting forever. I wish I could say that I had this area of my life under control BEFORE He provided for me, but the reality is that it was THROUGH His provision in my life that I truly learned that I can trust Him with my most intimate desires and that His plan is so much more than I could have even imagined or asked for. So, while sometimes the motives of my heart are a mystery to me, my prayer is that the reason I'm at peace and not anxiously trying to control the steps of my life is because I've learned that resting in God's will for my life and having faith that He is my provider and desires my best is the reason I'm not freaking out right now. I have so much hope for my future! I'm confident that God has an amazing future planned for my family and that His plan includes a full quiver of children!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I've been very emotionally detached and even just writing this post is making it feel just a little... more... real. I hope that if you're struggling with infertility that you feel free to approach me about it. I know the journey well and even though I am perfectly happy and content in my life, I know it will be a life-long journey of trusting God in this area. I don't understand His thinking, but I don't need to to know that He created me uniquely so that His plan could be accomplished through me.

A Tantalizing Tuesday

Getting a phone call at work from my mom was the last thing I expected. I was expecting it to be our social worker with the address for me so that I could get our paperwork in the mail! Why would my mom be calling me? I started to panic wondering what happened to my child. Visions of her falling off the trampoline and breaking an arm or a head injury were involuntarily dancing through my mind as I heard the voice on the other end telling me that my two year old daughter had stuck a raisin in her nose! Immediately I felt my adrenaline racing, nausea sweeping over my body, as I tried to continue to teach and come up with a plan to be there for my daughter. It was almost recess and we decided that she would bring Addy to me at work so that I could assess the situation. I brought them to my classroom to call the advice nurse and I took a better look, much to the displeasure of my squirmy princess. As I looked up her nose with the assistance of a flashlight there it was... her prized raisin stuck in her nose! So armed with my new information I called the nurse and set up an appointment. Then came the agonizing decision of who was going to take her. I wanted to drop everything and take her myself! The urge to bail was so strong! But taking a deep breath I realized that Grandma and Daddy could handle it and I really needed to save my sick days for when baby number two comes along. Even though it was the right decision it was painful and agonizing, and not the decision I wanted. I know Addy was well taken care of and it was a short appointment. I saw her at lunch and she was happy to see me and boasting of her trip to the hospital!

During all the hospital drama I got that long awaited phone call from our social worker! I answered the phone with a room full of 16, yes 16! Special day students! I heard the first line of the address and then the voice on the other end was gone. Iphones are notorious for dropping calls, which I never experienced till THIS conversation! Of course I couldn't call back! What were my students supposed to do? So again I make the agonizing decision to press on and put my personal life on hold so that I could be the best teacher I could be in that moment. Sigh... will anything go right? I did call back at lunch, voicemail. She called back when I was with students. This time I let her go to voicemail and now the address is safely stored on my phone and on a piece of paper. After waiting for 25 minutes with a student who's parents were late picking him up there was no time to make it to the Post Office, so my precious delivery will have to wait yet another day...

Manic Monday

Here I am, 12am and typing away when I should be in bed! Last night I was researching preschool curriculum and tonight I'm exhaustedly staying awake to have a few moments to call my own today.

This week has been a challenge for me. It's my first week of hosting after school rehearsals with my fourth graders at school. It's looking like it's solid late days from now till April and I'm wondering how I'm going to manage. I just need to keep my perspective in the right place. I'm blessed to have a job that allows me to be home the majority of the time and that pays the bills. Who am I to complain when there are so many that have to work full time or who are out of work. God is providing for my family and I get to choose to press on choose an attitude of joy and thankfulness.

For the past 6 weeks I had been counting on getting our adoption paperwork in the mail by February 14. So yesterday I was so proud of myself as I headed into the Post Office! I had met my goal of getting all my paperwork in the mail on Monday, February 14, 2011! When does that ever happen in an adoption? It's just like anything else requiring paperwork. There are delays that are just unforseen and impossible to plan for. I went straight to the Post Office after work to excitedly put these precious pieces of paper in the mail, pick up an envelope and begin addressing it. Using the address typed boldly on the paperwork, I got to the last line and realized it was the address of their old office in Martinez rather than the Pleasant Hill office. No problem! That's the beauty of the 21st century. My trusty phone was there for me to do a search and find the right address!I must have been standing there for at least 20 minutes attempting to find the address. No address. Nowhere on their website for adoptions was there an address! I called every phone number, no answer. I left a message and sadly I came to grips with the fact that my precious papers will have to wait for another day...

Oh, and I still had to wait in the line that had tripled in length since I had walked in to pay for the envelope with the wrong address on it!!!