Well.. here we go again!

Lots has happened since the last time I decided to sit down and blog. Once things we finalized with Dora's adoption I wasn't sure what direction to go with my posts so I just stopped. Well.. here we are just over a year later and we've been placed with Dora's sister who was 4 months old at the time. I had known that BM (birth mom) was pregnant before things with Dora were even finalized and I prayed for the baby throughout the pregnancy. I prayed that BM would do well. I prayed that she would stay clean. I prayed for health and safety for them and I prayed for both of their salvation. I wasn't sure she was using in the beginning and then her behavior on social media started reflecting behavior that was consistent with drug use and I started praying that God would bring us the baby once the baby was born. I prayed for them both once I knew that the baby, Bug as I call her, was born and it wasn't long after that BM announced on social media that she was going into a treatment program. I assumed that meant that Bug would go into foster care and that we would get a phone call asking us to take her. THREE months went by before I heard anything from CFS (children and family services) and I had been praying about what I should do during that time. It was oh so tempting to call them and demand placement since we have the sibling. It was oh so tempting to force this placement to happen. But as I prayed about it was I convinced that if God wanted us together than He would bring her in His timing and I was at peace with that. I waited patiently in hope that we would get the phone call but I determined to trust the Lord with this situation.
When we got the initial phone call it wasn't a placement call. It was an inquiry call to see if we would want to take her and of course we said yes! It was over a month later that we received the placement call. And then we had licensing issues to resolve before we could move her in. But on June 28th we finally got to bring her home. We had seen her a couple times before but this day was the first day that she was ours alone. As I took the time to bond with her I didn't even remember that we still had a long process ahead of us or that there were risks. To me it has always been "God has given me this baby. He'll see it through to the end." There are times, like whenever I talk to the Social Worker, that I falter and become scared. But I can honestly say that for 14 months I have been at peace. Yesterday was one of those days when I went to bat with the social worker over visitation and his unwillingness to take into account past history and protect the baby and I got off the phone and sobbed. From a humanly perspective I SHOULD fear. The SW is fighting hard to get them back together. But then after I gush my fears the truth that fills my heart is that my God loves me. He desires the best for me and that He is always faithful.

Your lovingkindness, O Lord, extends to the heavens,

Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Psalm 36:5

You see, I really don't need to worry because the God of heaven's armies is fighting for me! He is the one who puts rulers on their throne. Including this judge who is responsible to decide what happens next.

Let the name of God be blessed forever and ever,

For wisdom and power belong to Him.

It is He who changes the times and the epochs

He removes kings and establishes kings;

He gives wisdom to wise men

And knowledge to men of understanding.

It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;

He knows what is in the darkness

And the light dwells with Him.

Daniel 2:19-22

He has already gone before me because the judge that we got, from what we have heard, is one of the best. I just about cried when I heard who the judge was and I DID cry when I found out that her lawyer is the same lawyer that we had with Dora. These are the things that help me to physically see God working and fuel my faith. I don't need them to believe that God is working. They are a blessing and a gift. A rainbow of promise to me. I serve a good and faithful God! There are SO many verses that encourage my heart when my heart is discouraged like it was yesterday. 

So, I'm glad that things didn't go well on the phone with the SW yesterday because it reminded me that I can't feel comfortable and that I need to be rallying the prayer warriors like I did with Dora's adoption. Will you please join our family in prayer?

Here are a few things that you can specifically be praying for.
1. For peace to guard our hearts
2. For the court date to be postponed until January
3. For the courts to grant us de facto parent status at 4 or 5 months into  placement so that we have the right to be in the court room and to have legal representation if necessary. 

It's official!!!!

Dora's a Hart!!!! After we said our good byes and we were pulling down the decorations I started bawling and I haven't stopped! Looking at pictures of my beloved child and thinking about how far we've come and that this day finally arrived is unbelievable! When I saw Kerry today memories of heart break and devastation came flooding back. Seeing her took me back to the day we got the call that they didn't terminate rights the first time and that we were now in a risky situation. I was at Bible Study with Julie and stepped out the take the call but never returned until the very end. I couldn't face everyone with the bad news so I went to the nursery and my mom was there. My mom didn't usually come to watch the kids, but she was in the nursery with Kerry and the kids. That moment was one of the worst moments of my life. As I handed Dora off to someone and I leaned against the wall, sliding down into heart broken sobs thinking that this child that I barely knew but loved dearly would be leaving us. How far have we come? I'm still sobbing, but this time with joy and awe that God has brought us through to completion! His faithfulness throughout the journey is unmeasured and He has taught me so much! This was His plan all along. He made me walk through some trials that I wasn't sure I'd make it through, but He knew His grace was greater than my needs and fears. How great and good is my God?

Dora's joy this morning was pouring over. I don't think she has any understanding of the significance of this day but she knew she was the center of attention and that she is going to be with us forever and ever and ever! It was so cute when the judge was talking and she said Dora's name Dora shouted that's me! And she kept saying it was her birthday! Silly girl! See what I mean? No real understanding of how precious this day was for us! The hearing itself isn't that long or dramatic but it means EVERYTHING to me!

We had a party afterwards with family and the friends who came to the courthouse. By then I was so spent. I was SO tired! I think I don't even realize when I'm holding my emotions in anymore but exhaustion definitely is a sign! It's become second nature as I live with infertility. Very few see my real emotions about it because babies are such a blessing and I never want to put a damper on other people's joy when they're expecting. So, I've learned to steal myself and wait until a more appropriate time to express my grief (and yes... it is getting better as I see God building my family in the way that He has always intended.). Poor Bry. He bears the brunt of it and today was no exception. As I watched all my family leave and I said good bye to my brother I started becoming weepy. I thought it was because I was tired and then it hit me... Of course I'm weepy! God has answered my prayers and the joy in my heart is inexpressible so it escaped as weepy tears!

I just want to thank you all for your love, prayer and support! I honestly mean that we couldn't have made it through the past 15 months without you all! I desperately needed your love and encouragement. I needed you to listen. I needed a shoulder to cry on and you all have been that for me! The journey is definitely not over. It has just begun! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Here she is with her snow globe! It's become our tradition to give our children a snow globe on their adoption day! Dora got a "Hey Diddle Diddle" globe and she loves it! 

Nearing the End!!!!

So those of you who are on Facebook know that we've been in Pleasant Hill the past two work days reading Dora's file. AND, I know many of you are probably curious what we found in that file! Most of it had nothing to do with Dora and nothing to do with us. It was mostly to do with bio mom so there's not a lot to tell. I'm not going to publicly share the details of some one else's story. But, what I will say is that while the file didn't have a ton of new information it did fill in some of the blanks. I found birthdays, full names, addresses, phone numbers, information on the older siblings and grandparents, even a cousin. I found out the reasons that Dora was removed and where she lived when she lived with her bio mom. Who her first foster family was and what they were like. I found out that the bio grandparents did want to bring Dora home but that it really was just beyond them at their age to take on another child. Period. Let alone a toddler. I'm glad that we have that information for when she's older as she realizes that they took her older brother and sister but not her. I feel like over all I just got a better picture of who her biological family is and where she came from. In some ways it makes me want to be more cautious as we pursue a relationship with the bio mom because now I know her method of operation and it's a little scary. But, I can do cautious and scary. There's nothing in there that indicates Dora or any of us are in danger at all. But there's a lot to indicate that the bio mom loves her daughter. She's just not capable of being a mom right now.

Since there wasn't a ton of new information, the part that got me riled the most was when that one social worker... do you remember her? the one who was pitting bio mom and me against each other, belittling me, taking Dora kicking and screaming from me and refusing to give her back? etc. etc. etc... wrote reports for our visits with her supervising. I read five + months of reports of truthful facts that showed the relationship between Dora and her bio mom and the relationship between bio mom and me and the relationship between me and Dora. Then, we get to the reports written by this woman who made me tremble in my boots because she was the one writing the reports and she was obviously pro mom and all of a sudden I'm refusing to hand Dora over. I'm not listening to the SW's directions. I'm hoarding Dora's attention away from bio mom. I'm pushing my sweet Cinderella out of the way in my frantic attempt to get Dora away from bio mom AND ignoring her when she cries and telling her harshly to stop crying etc etc etc. It was awful and there was a TON of it! All the other reports were a paragraph, maybe two. These would go on for pages! I remember those visits very clearly because there may have never been more miserable moments in my life. I do remember being torn between my children and choosing Dora because I was going to be handing her over in seconds and I'd have an hour to comfort Cinderella. She was crying in the first place because they were taking her sister away!  This SW thought that she knew everything about this situation before she even met us and pegged me as needy, fearful and possessive instead of concerned, falling in love with this child, interested the process and how things were going. We went from having a SW that we got along with well, who was in our court, who was supportive and understanding to this woman who wouldn't even let me talk to bio mom and created tension between us that I never wanted there. She never understood who I was and what my desire in the situation was. I remember thinking that I should call Dora's real SW and ask her if she could supervise instead but I never had peace about causing problems so I just prayed about it and next thing I knew she was no longer supervising our visits and our regular SW was back to supervising. We never had anything but positive visits with any other SW and the reports definitely reflected that. Although none of this made it into the actual court report it was really tough to read what she really thought of me. I just wish that during one of those visits where she was belittling me that she would have actually listened to what I had to say!  Funny thing is... even her reports told conflicting stories. It might as well have been one of bio mom's stories for all the exaggerations and contradictions it contained! Oh well. I'm thankful that God went before us in the matter and that obviously it had no affect on the things to come. I'm still kind of in awe that they didn't reunify. The first termination of rights hearing when they DID NOT terminate she didn't meet any of her goals. The second termination of rights hearing when they DID terminate she met all of her goals but one and she was close to meeting it! Again, just in awe of how God has gone before us in this whole situation!

So, here we are. Done with the file. We won't be going back. I'm clear on the story (I should be. I read it and re-read it and re-read it with every report!) and I just need to type it out clearly so that we can remember it down the road. Tomorrow is our post-placement visit and I think that next we schedule our court date for finalization! So close!!!! What a journey this has been so far and I know that it is just beginning. The day we sign the papers in court is the beginning of our future together where we are in full control without having to check in with anyone or telling anyone where we're going! What a blessed day that will be!

Finalization Here We Come!

Woohoo!!! The phone call that I have been waiting for for over a year has finally come! We've known for about a month that we'd be moving forward for sure to adopt Dora, but we've been waiting for this meeting to take place where we'll get to finally sign papers and see her file. I'm excited to sign the papers, but I'm REALLY excited about seeing that file. We'll only get to see it one day. In the office. That's it. (Although I've heard that it's possible to come back and see it again before we finalize if we don't get through it all) And this file holds all the information about her life prior to joining our family at 20 months. It has why she was removed each time she was removed. It has bio mom's story. I'm really hoping that through this file we'll come to understand our daughter better than we do now. It's so easy to forget that she has a past before us. We never knew her as a baby. We don't know what was done to her as a baby. There have been so many unknowns that it will just be so great to hopefully get a better understanding of her life! So, that meeting is on June 22nd!!!

After that meeting the social worker will come out to our house the following Tuesday for our post placement visit and then there's some more paperwork and she has to file it down at the court. And then we'll schedule our court date for something like two weeks out from there. So we'll probably be finalizing the end of July sometime! The girls and I are joining my parents on a trip back East for my cousin's wedding and so we really need it to be finalized by then. It's a mess trying to get approval to go out of state (even just to Nevada!!!) and neither one of us really wants to deal with it so she has a deadline that I know she'll keep.

As we get closer to finalization I'm getting the question of what's next for the Harts more frequently. Oh, if only I knew! Our hands are tied for so many reasons right now that we just can't move forward at this point for number three. Don't get me wrong. I'm itching for number three and if number three was dropped in our laps I would be so excited! But we've had this goal of Bryan getting a full time job so that I can stay home full time for over two years now and we're getting so close to that goal! I don't know what's going to happen in the future. All I know is that we've been stuck here finishing up Dora's adoption and we haven't been able to go where a job could take us. Once Dora's adoption is final and Bryan's done his year as Team Leader we'll finally be free of everything holding us down and we can truly try to meet that goal. It could mean staying put. It could mean being relocated. We just don't know at this point. Our family is here. We have a great church family and we'd be happy to stay, but we'd also welcome the adventure of moving somewhere new too. God has time to direct our hearts and show us the next step, but I do know for sure that as difficult as it may be for me we won't be pursuing adopting a third until we have this figured out. If a child was to be dropped in our laps... that would be a different story all together...

What route do we think we'll go for number three? All I can say is that neither time we've adopted has it been the way that we thought it would happen. With Cinderella we were pursuing foster care. With Dora there was NO WAY we were going to pursue foster care after having such an amazing experience with Cinderella AND we were already well on our way to getting started in the process of adopting from Ethiopia! Both girls came to us when we were least expecting it. So, I don't know! I have a strong desire to have another infant straight from the hospital, but my heart aches for the orphans of Africa. So I'm conflicted right now. But, I figure we still have time for God to direct my heart and show me the direction of my next child. He has been faithful to move my heart to His will each time so far and I know He will be faithful to continue to do that! AND all other things aside there is a huge financial barrier that will have to be addressed at some point. We're hoping to be able to chip away at it this coming year, but we need another part time job to be able to do that. So God is going to have to provide in that area as well. BUT, it struck me one day that it's God's desire for His people to take care of the orphans and the widows. It's all over Scripture! So, when one steps out in faith to do what He has asked us to do He will be faithful to provide the money to do so. I have watched over and over again how God makes money come from no where and where MAJOR financial hurdles were met in a matter of days. God is so much bigger than our bank accounts and it's so important for me to not underestimate Him in this area of my life! It scares me to no end to think that I know we have several more children ahead and having no idea where each down payment on a house is going to come from - because each adoption is at least that. With the exception of fost adopt which in turn pays you. Not a lot, but enough to help with the impending costs of raising any child with special needs.

So, there's a lot of question marks in our future but I have a feeling that God's just not done with me yet! He's showing me more and more who I really am and that I don't have everything as together as I think I do. He's reforming my parenting once again as I struggle to balance my philosophy on parenting with a philosophy of parenting that is uncomfortable for me, but effective for Dora. And He's causing me to grow in patience and compassion. All good stuff here folks. Tough, but good and I'm excited to see where God takes us in this journey of faith that we're living!!!

Parenting My Precious Porcupine

JUST 

when I think we have it all together and that life is going 

smoothly we hit a bump in the road and I realize how foolish 

I was to think that 30 months (10 in utero and 20 outside) of abuse 

and neglect can be fixed in a short 13 months. We had a little, ok MAJOR, fit today and 

I can't figure it out.  Please just pray for me. Us really. 

The fit started over a sticker. Yes, you did read that right. 

A sticker. 

And ended over a half an hour later with a 

broken hearted cry from a child who seemed to be having insecurities 

about being left. I don't know how to connect those dots, 

but it is what it is and when she's freaking out that I'm leaving her

 while she naps it calls for special attention. So as I crawled into bed with her thinking I'll stay there the whole nap if I need to she slipped her 

little arm around my neck and drew my head to her chest. I was reminded that sometimes parenting our little porcupine just needs to go against my grain. 

I feel like I have to relearn all my instincts and do the opposite 

of what I want to do. To me her behavior was manipulative and was trying to avoid 

nap, but her broken hearted little cry told me 

otherwise and I had to stay. 

(In the end she agreed to snuggle Daddy who was already sleeping instead of Mommy because Little Cinderella also needed to take a nap.) 

To me holding her when she's throwing a fit feels 

like it's reinforcing the behavior, but sometimes that's 

what I have to do. When she's flipping out over a sticker 

(which all I wanted to do in the situation was to stop and do a simple redo and teach her to just tell me what happened instead of throw a fit and 

I'd be happy to turn around so that she could pick up her sticker...) 

sometimes that's not the moment to teach. Sometimes that's 

the moment to give her her sticker and do the redo at home later when she's 

not so emotionally invested in the situation. She doesn't hear me in the moment. 

I'm learning. I'm failing. I'm succeeding. I'm fighting. 

I'm constantly reminded that I am not equipped to handle this on my own 

and I'm foolish if I think I am. I'm having to learn compassion. I've never been a very compassionate person. I've always had more of the 

"suck it up and deal with it" mentality. That's how I am to myself 

and that definitely comes out in my parenting. 

Only it doesn't work with Dora so I'm having to learn compassion and self-control. AND I'm struggling because I don't know 

what she's comprehending when I try to teach her how to behave! 

She either doesn't understand or tunes me out. I'll never now which, 

but I'm leaning towards that she doesn't understand. She's not the high, 

logical thinker of my oldest. Cinderella was made for me. 

We are like chocolate and peanut butter. 
Perfectly suited for each other! It's no wonder we never have any of these problems! We communicate so perfectly and understand each other as well 

as any two people could. Dora and I are like oil and water. 

But she needs me. I think she needs me more than 

I even realize and she needs us to mix so by the grace of God

 I'm going to learn to be water! If He can turn water into wine than 

He can turn my oil into water! I'm going to learn to love her the way she needs to

 be loved. I just don't know what that means all the time. 

So, if you think of it please add me to your prayer list once again 

because this is a battle that could quite possibly take me my entire life to win. 

BUT, my moments of success give me hope that I can be the mother that 

this precious child needs. 

She wouldn't be here in my home if that wasn't true. 

God gave her to me so He must trust me enough to treasure her and parent her and He must know that my oily nature needs some refining too! 

Mother's Day, Infertility and Pet Adoptions

Mother's Day. I remember all too well the years where Mother's Day was a day that I dreaded more than any other day in the year. It was just a cruel reminder that we didn't have what I most desperately wanted. A child. I'd walk into church on Mother's Day morning with my game face on wishing I was anywhere but there and suck it up as all the mother's and expectant mothers were recognized. A day of agony. Gut wrenching, stick a knife and twist it in my heart AGONY! I'm not going to say that I'm completely over all my infertility issues. I've worked through most of them and most of the time I don't even remember. I have two children now and I'm not looking back wishing they had come to me differently. But I do remember the agony, the tears, the sorrow, the innumerable times that I sat there willing my tears to stay put. Biting my lip. Doing anything I could to distract myself from the welling up inside. Sometimes I couldn't hold them back and I would find an excuse to excuse myself and I was thankful for those discerning enough to see my pain and reach out to me. If you're reading this and you're that person who is dreading tomorrow. I've been there. I know your pain and all I can say is that God is my healer. Turn to Him in your pain and He will make you whole again. He can turn your sorrow into joy and give you the desires of your heart if you earnestly seek him first. He has for me! He has turned my empty home into one that is full and thriving. He has seen me through my pain and healed my heart and He can do that for you. He had a different plan for me. One that most of the world sees as second best but that I see simply as God's best for me. My life is a journey of faith. It's one where the plans are always changing until that child comes home. It's one full of raw emotion and joy. I love this verse...

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!" Ps. 113:9

He has given me the desire of my heart and not only that, He's changed my heart. I started this journey of adoption on a selfish path. I wanted a child. I see it differently now. I still want children. But now I see the children as needing to be rescued and needing a family more than I see myself. My heart for family-less children if far bigger than my ability to parent them all! God cares about the millions of orphans worldwide that are waiting for families or that simply will never have families for one reason or another. 

I've been bugged recently when I see advertisements for PET ADOPTIONS. I can't help but think of the hundreds of thousands, millions even spent taking care of a finding homes for animals in our country. ANIMALS! While we're out there fighting for the animals and saving the animals, who's fighting for the millions of children who don't have families. Who's saving THEM? Saving them doesn't mean the foster care system, group homes or orphanages. It means forever families! Let me tell you that the need FAR EXCEEDS the people who are willing! So, are you going to fight for an animal or a human being who needs a family? Are you going to put your money towards saving an animal or a human? There's plenty of organizations like Show Hope where you can give monthly to help other people adopt if you don't feel called to adopt. There's Compassion International where you can give to FEED A CHILD! Seriously, people. Priorities! CHILDREN come first! We are the ones created in the image of God Himself. We are the ones that He loved enough to send His son to die for. He loves animals. They are His creation too, but it really irks me that people can find money to give to ASPCA but they can't help a fellow human being! 

Ok.. so that's my soap box for the day. This weekend if you are suffering from infertility I'm praying for you. I know what it's like to suffer in silence. Hang in there and see if you can find it in your heart to adopt. If the only thing stopping you is finances. Don't let that stop you. I've watched God provide miraculously for many families who are seeking to adopt. Why wouldn't He? He talks about taking care of the orphans some 40 times in the Bible! He commanded us to take care of the orphans and widows.  so why wouldn't He provide the way? Plus, adopting from foster care is free anyway. There's always hope in the future. I'm living proof of a life redeemed. I am joyful this weekend because of the children whom God has blessed me with through other women. I am joyful because He heard my cry and He answered! 

looking forward to the day when I can freely post pictures!

Definitely remembering the woman who made me a mommy this weekend! 

Love you Rachel!

It's Official!

Well folks, the day that we've been waiting for for thirteen months is upon us! We got the long awaited call that NO APPEAL WAS FILED!!!! Praise the Lord who is the giver of every good gift! It sounds like it could still be a couple months till it's final final, but knowing that the mom is completely out of the picture and that we ARE ADOPTING her is AMAZING! 


God is a God who is faithful to His promises! We have been clinging to them for years and He has yet to fail us. Closed doors? Yes. Answered our prayers above and beyond what we prayed for? Yes! We have experienced disappointment and hurt along the way, but we have also seen how God has used all of that to grow our character and to guide us to the best pathway for our life. We certainly aren't disappointed or let down in any way! God continues to cause our desires to come into line with His Will and to ultimately grant us the desires of our hearts! 


"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:7-11


 ^"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that,if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14


If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

A Broken Heart

I've had this post mulling around inside for a while now. I think I just realized this moment that we're past the officially waiting period for her to appeal. YAY! But, we won't know until next week because the social worker will give her a five day grace period before moving forward with the paperwork on our end. I think the fact that I didn't even remember that Monday was the day is just a testimony to the peace that God has given me in this situation. I'm so thankful that His peace came so many months ago. It is such a relief to just rest in God's plan for our family and live in confidence instead of fear!

Last week we had our last official visit with Dora's bio mom. It had been a couple months since we had seen her and all in all it was a good visit. I had instigated the visit for her bio mom's sake because I know that this time is the toughest. She's grieving and I felt that she really needed to see her again in order to help her let go. BUT, I'm so thankful that I'll never have to send Dora into a room with her alone EVER AGAIN! Dora didn't look like she wanted to go so I just pulled her aside and told her I loved her and that I would be waiting for her to get back and then she went happily (and came back running and yelling "MAMA!!!"). I just love that little girl! Dora has been in this cling to Mommy stage where she is grumpy when I leave her (even if I leave her with Daddy and Cinderella at home) and she tries to monopolize me so that Cinderella can't get to me. It's funny to watch her panic when Cinderella and I are snuggling and try to push in but in the end BOTH my children need one on one Mommy time so I do have to set aside time where I just spend time with Cinderella. I can't say that I'm complaining too much. It is tiring but it's so good at the same time. She hasn't liked me that much in the last year. I've been the one doing most of the teaching, correcting and discipling so I guess I'm the mean one. I think her rejection at home has been what has made me really struggle with her. I'm hurt by her. She's hurt by me and it's just a vicious cycle. So, since I recognize the root of the problem now I can do something about it! I've changed the way that I approach her with discipline and correction and have spent more and more time loving on her, building her up and praying for her. I haven't felt that "I'm gonna lose it any minute feeling" in a long time and I just really have to attribute that to a renewed dependence on God. He is faithful to help us when we call out to Him and the climate of our home reflects that!

I was talking with a few other adoptive moms the other day and we were talking about the state in which our children come to us. They all come from different backgrounds and situations but all of them have one thing in common - They come with history that started before they became part of our families. All of them have experienced loss. Loss of biological relationships. Loss of caregivers. Rejection of people they thought they could trust. They all come with broken hearts and we are all eager to jump in thinking we can "fix" them. But, we all know that the only healer of hearts is the Lord Jesus Christ and until He intervenes and gives them wholeness we are only able to treat the symptoms and love them the best that we can. I think we can prepare ahead of time and think we know what to do before they come to us, but when the rubber meets the road none of us know what to do. We don't know the experiences that they faced before coming to our home and we don't know how to make them feel loved and secure. It's so different than the situation with Cinderella. We got all that bonding time when she was an infant. She learned she could trust me and rely on me before she knew anything else. She wasn't born flesh of my flesh but I forget that most of the time because she's mine in every sense of the word. We're confident in our love and adoration of each other. She's my beloved child. My gift from God! Dora is all those things too but even a year later we're still learning about each other and developing a trust relationship. I make the mistake of thinking that since a year has passed we're past the worst of it. She must be secure and confident in our home but you know what? The theme of her life recently as been "don't leave me!" Whether I'm leaving the room, the house, to go to work, walking down the stairs, putting her down for nap or even in her dreams I believe she's afraid I'm going to leave her. As she screams "No, no! Mama! Mama!" in the midst of night terrors. Breaks your heart. Doesn't it? It breaks mine! So, even a year later and her only being 20 months when she came to us there is still an underlying sense of fear of abandonment in her heart. TIme to hug her more. Love on her more. Listen to her needs more. Be more compassionate. More patient... the list goes on and on. Her heart is still broken and I can't fix it. I believe in time her heart will heal. I pray that she will come to understand who Jesus is and His awesome love for her and that she will experience true wholeness and peace through Him! I have hope that the future is bright and that God will give me the tools that I need to parent her and love her as she needs to be loved.

Why am I telling all of you this? Because I feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started out. I've made a ton of mistakes and I thought that we had it all together. I want you to see all the aspects of adoption so that you can understand people in this situation better. You'll know better what life is like inside adoption and if you even find yourself in our situation (which my prayer is that at least 1 of you will be spurred to adopt because of our family) that you'll be able to go into it with realistic expectations. It's wonderful and watching Dora grow in our home has been the most rewarding experience of my life! But now I know I'll be more prepared when we bring the next non-infant into our home. I didn't believe people when they told me that even at 20 months they'd come with baggage. I do now and I also have seen the growth in her confidence, her trust and her security in our home. I CAN'T WAIT to finalize her adoption in court! What a victory that will be for all of us and she'll be able to see that she's staying with us forever and always! Praise be to God who has and continues to see us through to completion!

A Grieving Mother

I'm trying so hard to work through the emotions that I'm feeling and somehow when I write it I can get it out better than telling it. I talked to Dora's bio mom today. I felt like people didn't really understand why I wasn't rejoicing the day of the termination. It was a relief to me but my heart was/is breaking at the same time. It weighs so heavy on my heart that my gain comes at a great loss for my children's biological mothers. Dora's mom didn't even get to choose. I mean, I guess she did in a way because she chose to do too little too late. I think that deep down she did it because she knew Dora is where she needs to be, but as she's processing her grief I'm processing my own grief for her. She expressed to me some of how she's feeling and was honest with me about some things in their past that were just plain hard for me to hear. That story isn't mine to tell so publicly but it hit my heart the things that my child has experienced before coming to me and I feel such sorrow and regret for some of the choices that were made that will affect my child for the rest of her life. I don't think she had any idea how hard that conversation was for me to have with her, but I hope that what she felt from me was love and compassion - not judgement. She brought it up. She lead the conversation but I was able to ask a question that I needed to know the answer to and I'm so thankful that she was comfortable enough to answer. I couldn't have asked the question if she hadn't first brought it up. There are so many more questions that I have and I am so very thankful that we are able to have a relationship where we can talk about these things. But let's be honest. Having her in our life is hard ALL the time. Every text message or phone call my heart races and I'm super uncomfortable. SO different from our experience with Cinderella's bio family. God is so gracious though. In the moment He gives me the grace and compassion to love her and that is the very reason that she isn't fighting. I really hope that I can get to a place where I feel comfortable with Dora having a relationship with her. Right now I allow it because I believe it's in both of their best interests to allow them to have a relationship. So please don't try to talk me out of it. It's hardest on me but it's a choice I made four years ago and I WILL follow through with the promises I made to her.

I think it's so uncomfortable because she still views herself as mom. She told me that she didn't want us to change Dora's name because she thinks she still has a say. I told her that we won't be changing her name because it was a decision we made a year ago to keep it. Well... the truth is we will still call her Dora but legally her name will be changed. I know right now is the hardest time and that it will get easier for her. So, I'll just try to be as supportive and patient as possible until she let's go. I guess if she doesn't than I'll have to help her let go and put up firmer boundaries. But, I know it's still fresh for her and I sense she has more to say.

I'm excited that within a few months Dora will be ours and I'll feel fully in control. It has been an amazing journey and I'm excited for this chapter to be complete. In all honesty, I'm ready for baby #3. I've had a baby on my heart for a few weeks now and that usually leads to direction of some sort... I still feel like there is more under the layers that I just can't share. At least in prayer I can fully share the things on my heart. Just praying for peace in my spirit and wisdom and direction in dealing with the bio mom. I do love her and want her best. The decisions made in the past stay in the past and I'm excited to see her doing so well! God is good!

Victory is Mine Says the LORD!

‎"I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever... Let everything that has breath praise [the LORD. Praise the LORD!" Psalm 86:12, 150:6

Today when we finally entered the court room after TWO hours of waiting my mouth DROPPED and my eyes POPPED out of their sockets - in my head of course - as the first words said following the Judge asking who asked for the contest were mom's lawyer saying, "I did your honor. It was crowded that day and since then I've been able speak with my client and we are going to submit to the termination." What??? Just... Happened??? Do you know how many times I've prayed that mom would be the one to relinquish? At least once, probably 5-10x a day for seven months! Holy moly people! I KNOW God answers prayer but in that moment I was just in awe. Like I was watching something that has been foretold come to be! My mind was spinning and I wanted so badly to record every word that came from the judge's mouth!

After they announced they were not there to fight the judge asked Dora's lawyer if he was in agreement and of course he was and they asked the department representative from CFS and of course she also was in agreement. Both included evidence as to why they were in favor. Then I think my heart stopped when the judge started speaking DEFENDING the work that mom had done up to this point! What??? She was talking about how well she did at her last hearing and how she was so close to graduating (I think mom said she's graduating december 11). My palms were starting to sweat because I thought she wasn't going to honor their decision to submit! But then came the reality. Mom has been doing well in her program. She's shown up to everything and is on track BUT she's also had some set backs and the thing is this was her last chance. They have given her all the time that the Law allows and the judge's hand were tied. The judge said that she was seeing behavior consistent with self sabotage and relapse. She was willfully breaking the rules (like asking us to lunch last week!) over and over again even though she hadn't had any problems with drugs or alcohol. So the judge said that this was a very painful decision but she was going to move forward and terminate. Then they accepted our petition to become de facto parents and set dates.

We were the first to leave the court room and we waited outside the door for mom to come out. You have to understand that mom and I are bonded and she had no one there. The ONLY support that she had there today were us. We had my mom and Kathy and our social worker (who had to leave only probably 10 minutes before we were called!) there and not one person was there for mom. She came out sobbing, tears running down her face and I hugged her. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know what to say. I didn't leave that court room joyful. I left feeling sad (but relieved) and not really knowing how, but wanting to be a support to mom in any way that I could. My mom had been able to talk to her about the Lord earlier in the day and mom said that she was a Christian and that she goes to a Baptist church and was receptive to us encouraging her and telling her that we're praying for her. I really don't know what to think. She told my Mom that she became a Christian at 13, but it doesn't gel with starting to use drugs at 13 so I'm not really sure if it was a manipulative tactic or if it was genuine. Only time will tell, but I've been praying for her salvation and our relationship will either become a mentoring relationship or hopefully the doors are opened to continue to fill her with truth. She had pulled me aside earlier while we were waiting and wanted to make sure that we weren't going to cut her out of our life. I was able to remind her of our relationship with Rachel and I told her that as long as she was clean, sober and healthy (meaning emotionally) that we would love for her to remain in our life. I know people don't always understand how I can have the birth moms of my children in my life and all I can tell you is that God has given me the confidence in my relationships with my children to be able to have these women be a part of our life and not feel threatened by them and instead just love them. I can only liken it to the bond that I have with my brother. They're just family and I never want to loose them. They chose us to raise their children and become part of their family, and we choose them as our family! So I'm praying that she is able to remain clean and sober so that she can remain in our family without reservation.

All I can gather (and being new to this that's all I've got. I have no prior experience to draw from and I haven't had the opportunity to talk about it with a social worker yet so that they can help me figure out where things are going.) is that since mom has run out of time and submitted to the termination the termination will go on as planned without fear of a battle down the road, but nothing is done until it's done so February 29th can't get here soon enough! Until then I will praise the Lord for He has answered my prayers! This has been so much smoother than I ever thought possible! I have been more at PEACE than I ever thought possible. Do you remember the social worker who was trying to drive mom and me apart? Do you remember how I prayed instead of calling and complaining? Do you remember how she disappeared and hasn't come back? What an amazing God to be so gracious as to remove her from me without me having to do anything! Are you not in awe of how God has worked in Dora's life? She is NOT the same child who walking into our lives seven months ago. Her progress is not evidence of us being super parents. It's evidence of GOD working in our home and in Dora's life! I have prayed and prayed for my relationship with mom and now here we are and you'd never know that we only see each other in passing a couple times a month. We have a great relationship and even though she is caught up in a horrible lifestyle she still has character and is gracious to me - who has not only taken over the affections of her child, but is now TAKING her child from her. I can only pray that I would have the strength of character to respond so well if I was walking in her shoes. God is mighty and powerful and He has once again proved His faithfulness to me and exceeded my expectations and I am blessed beyond measure!

First Hearing

For those of you who like details :)...

We were blessed enough to have our friends Jon and Dana with us last night to pray with us and stay with us last night AND go with us this morning along with my parents and Lani watched the girls for us despite a ridiculously early morning! Thank you all for your text messages, fb comments and messages and just the never ending stream of support! You are all appreciated!

So... we got to the court house an hour early but I'm so glad we were early! Other than the fact that it was FREEZING I was able to breathe a sigh of relief knowing we were there and ready to go! I could tell mom knew the department's recommendations immediately when she walked in. Her whole demeanor had changed from yesterday but she was still sweet and polite as usual. I genuinely like her... I think we were waiting for about an hour but having grand fun with Jon and Dana! Mom was on the other side of the room as far as she could get from us and she had her own support system.

When we were called we went in and it all happened so fast! The court read that the recommendation was to terminate and set a 2-6 hearing and I think she asked the counsel if they agreed. Dora's lawyer agreed and basically outlined a bunch of reasons why, including... her speech improvement, the stimulating environment of our home, her improvement in behaviors and he said "she's absolutely thriving" in our home and he acknowledged mom's great improvement but said that he still believes that it is Dora's long-term interest to move forward and terminate. (yay! Answer to prayer! because we didn't know what his position was going to be!) Of course mom's lawyer contested it and the judge moved forward to set the date for next Friday at 1:30. We had never met Dora's lawyer before but he came over to us twice to tell us that he was going to fight for Dora to stay with us and he wanted to make us de facto parents. I know the next question is what is a de facto parent and why is it so important. I'm still working on that question. I'm not sure I completely understand it yet but as I understand it it means that we're acting in the role of parent and we are bonded with her as her parents. Something like that. It's important because the court is recognizing us as such and also giving us the right to be part of and present at the hearings. We can now be represented by a lawyer if we choose to. So anyway once we are named de facto parents we're no longer helpless bystanders. Yay! (Praise the Lord for another answered prayer but it's still a prayer issue for this upcoming week). So I know you'll ask. Are we going to get a lawyer? I don't know! I'm not really sure that it's going to be helpful enough to make it worth the insane cost! Right now Dora's lawyer is the one with all the clout and he's going to be fighting so I think that we're well represented right now and really since we're not the ones in question it's really not useful to have one at this point.

Next Friday is going to be a SUPER important TRIAL!!! It's not just a hearing. It's a full blown trial! BOTH sides are going to be duking it out and the department will be proving that they've done everything possible to reunify. I'm just counting on the fact that they knew that this would be coming and they wouldn't have recommended termination if they didn't have a good case for it. Also, mom's parent parter (because I know you want to know... I just got of the phone with my social worker and she told me what this is! It's a parent who has been through the system successfully and reunified with their children permanently. They are then hired by the court to come alongside and be a mentor/buddy to the parent and support them through the process. They would have more information than anyone on what's really going on). Ok. He was sitting a couple chairs away from me an during the hearing he turned to me and told me that we were going to be ok. He knows something and my social worker said that that was a really good little clue for us.

I'm sorry but I'm totally wearing out! Let's see if I can finish this up and still get my point across. I'm just worn out from today!

The hearing began and then it ended. It was over in probably five minutes and we were left feeling like what just happened?? I feel like we are in a really good position. I feel like the lawyer and social workers are going to bat for us and most of all I feel like God is on our side and His will WILL prevail! I'm feeling confident but I won't let up for a moment in my prayer life. We have won the first encounter but we have the battle ahead of us. At the end when we were walking out of the court house we saw mom sitting there by herself looking sad and I went to her and gave her a hug and told her I was praying for her. I really feel for her.

So.. here's what we're looking at

Contested hearing November 4th at 1:30

If everything goes in our favor the termination hearing comes next 120 days later.

After that comes the appeal within 30 days

After that we can schedule our adoption hearing.

Just know that there are always appeals. They can continue to appeal and appeal so we still have a long process ahead of us.

Keep praying! Pray for the lawyers and the social worker and the judge. I need to remember to tell Dora's lawyer about my visit with mom in case that was a trap to get me to be in non-compliance with the courts without me knowing and to tell him about my on-going relationship with Cinderella's birth mom because it shows that we won't just run when the adoption is final that we have a history of following through with maintaining a relationship with the birth family.

Whew! I'm going to rest now! If I think of more later I'll add more then! Thank you all for your prayers!!!

And the Recommendation Is...

Wow! What a day it has been today and all I can say is "Thank you, Jesus!" On our way to the visit with Dora's mom today I thought I was going to explode. I was so incredibly stressed that she was going to know the department's recommendation and I wasn't and honestly afraid of being with her! I was fearful of Dora's response to her and anxious that I didn't know what the social worker was recommending. I cried a few hundred tears on the way to Richmond and prayed just as much! Told God how fearful I was and told Him how much I didn't want to be afraid and I wanted to give my fear over to Him.

This passage has been my lifeline for the past seven months.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all [d]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is [e]lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, [f]dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:6-9

I've disciplined myself to catch thoughts of worry, anxiety and fear and redirect them to those things listed in vs. 8-9. It is a DISCIPLINE! It is NOT easy but it is definitely worth the effort! I have steeled myself with God's Word. Spent thousands and thousands of hours in prayer and it was all for a day like today and tomorrow. I've known that these two days were going to be what made me or break me and this afternoon I thought I was going to break. But my mom prayed with me as I was driving to Richmond and I continued to pray. Prayed for the visit. Prayed for the hearing. Prayed for Dora and prayed for mom. By the time I got to Richmond I was exhausted but at peace and greeted mom with a smile and we chatted easily as we looked at pictures of the girls that I brought for her. I wasn't done talking with her by the time the social worker (yet another one whom we've never met!) came to grab them for their visit. I wanted more. There was more I wanted to say and God gave me that opportunity after the visit. She came out with the social worker who told me Dora wouldn't let her mom check her diaper so I should check it and then commented on how much better it went with me. (Silent Cheers!) Then mom boldly and confidently asked me if I could give her a ride and as I put the girls in their carseats she asked if we were hungry. Not hungry one bit. We ate at COSTCO before leaving and I was full! BUT, we went anyway and we visited while she and the girls ate. The girls by now were so tired they were in their crazy state of mind and while happy weren't as well behaved as I would have liked, but it didn't matter! We were able to talk about her childhood. Find out that she's really Thai and her adopted parents are Laotian. They had that backwards! She moved to the US when she was 1. She asked me how old I was and I found out she's 26. She really did have her first baby at 12 and he's now 13. She now has a good relationship with her parents, a plan for transition and continued outpatient care. All the while I'm thinking we don't have a chance! She's so confident she's getting her back! But then we got to the conversation that needed to happen. The one where we talked about what would happen with our relationships with Dora Dora after the hearing. She told me that she would stay in contact and even let Dora come for overnight visits and when we were in the car I told her that tomorrow I knew she was going to be rooting to get her back but that we also we rooting that she'd stay. NOT that she would be taken from her mom (because she already is) but that we want her to stay a part of our family. I told her we'd keep her in Dora's life and we'd want to keep in contact. I've been saying that since shortly after we met though so it wasn't news to her. We left on good terms saying we'd see each other in the morning. Very comfortable despite the potential awkwardness of that conversation.

I kind of left that lunch feeling like she was going to get her back, but I had a few clues that everything wasn't going as well as she had wanted. She was complaining quite a bit about the program she was in holding her back and them finding the smallest things to purposely hold her back (kind of sounds like a GOOD program to me!) but that she had secured transitional housing and had a PLAN. Uh oh I'm thinking.

Well by now I'm confident we're going to hit MAJOR traffic and pay the penalty for staying later with mom and I'm complaining to my friend who is on her way to my house. Dana reminded me to put on worship music and focus on God and that's exactly what I did. SOOO thankful for people in my life that help me stay on track! Traffic wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and by the time we got to Pittsburg I called my mom to tell her about our visit. While we were talking I got THE phone call. The ONE that was causing my anxiety. The ONE that I was afraid mom would get and I wouldn't! I got on the phone and the social worker told me THAT THE DEPARTMENT WOULD BE RECOMMENDING TERMINATION AND MOVING FORWARD WITH ADOPTION!!!!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! God is sooo good! I don't know what I expected but it was relief. That's what I felt. I held it together long enough to finish the conversation and call my mom back and tell her the news. God is so good! He is hearing our prayers and answering them!

Tomorrow the courts still have to agree with the recommendation (which they did not do last time) and then it would move forward to termination. BUT there could be a contest hearing if mom chooses to contest. And once that is over THEN they'll schedule a 2-6 hearing or a termination hearing. Once that happens she has 30 days to appeal and then they can terminate. God is moving here people. This is no coincidence! Mom IS doing well. Please warriors keep praying! God is mighty and at work and I'm looking forward to what is to come!

Pray:

The judge rules in agreement with the departments's decision

Mom chooses NOT to contest it after today

Peace for mom tomorrow because I don't know if she'll know the news by then or not. She failed to call the social worker at the appointed time and thus might have missed her opportunity to know.

Pray for her and my relationship tomorrow. That I would be loving and encouraging to her. And that she would just feel confident herself that our home is where Dora should be. That has been my prayer of seven months that SHE would CHOOSE this for Dora herself. Tomorrow is her opportunity to do that. I honestly love her and feel compassion for her. I want to win her for Christ!

Please pray for traffic. That we would get there in plenty of time without stress and have time to pray with our support group prior to the hearing.

Love to you all. Our GOD is ANSWERING out PRAYERS!!!

**Tonight 8:30*** we'll be praying!

Those that Wait on the Lord...

Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,

“My way is hidden from the LORD,

And the justice due me [z]escapes the notice of my God”?

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth

Does not become weary or tired.

His understanding is inscrutable.

29 He gives strength to the weary,

And to him who lacks might He increases power.

30 Though youths grow weary and tired,

And vigorous young men stumble badly,

31 Yet those who [aa]wait for the LORD

Will gain new strength;

They will [ab]mount up with [ac]wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40:27-31

I feel weary often. I feel like things have been in limbo for so long and sometimes feel like I can't continue, but this passage - no, I didn't post all of it! - reminds me that if I'm leaning on the Lord my strength to continue will be continually renewed and it is! God is faithful!

Just talked to Dora's social worker. I guess she knows what she's going to recommend but she has to tell mom first so she'll be letting me know tomorrow. But she also said that there's a possibility that the hearing will be continued because they all just received the court report today (that she wrote!)or something. We're going to go and assume that it will not be continued and if it is we'll deal with it then. This is no surprise to the Lord. He knew all along this was a possibility and has been asking us to wait but in waiting He is building our faith and our confidence in His plan. Still praying that the hearing goes on as scheduled and praying for that decision that has already been made! I know I have the ability to be anxious about it but what is the point? Thinking about Luke 20:25 right now and remembering that worrying will accomplish nothing but having faith will accomplish much! I'm just praying without ceasing and believing that God has something truly amazing in store that needs this extra time! Please continue to pray! I'm really hoping that things will go on as planned and that the recommendation will be in our favor.

Can you tell I have turkey in the straw playing in the background? I don't feel like I'm writing very clearly right now but I wanted to give you all an update! Cinderella's watching Barney Goes to the Farm and I'm having a tough time focusing with all the racket! Where's my worship music when I need it??? lol! Thank you all for your faithful prayers! I am truly at peace!

Away from Me Anxiety!

This morning I woke up anxious. Sigh.. I don't want to be anxious! I want to wake up confident in God's plan for my family. But here I am barely holding it together right now. I've had this wave of nausea since last night because of nerves about next week and I just haven't been able to shake it. I woke up realizing that Dora's social worker hasn't called me back and it's been almost a week. I'm thinking that because she hasn't called me she has bad news (being that they'll be recommending reunification) and she doesn't want to have that conversation with me. So this morning I woke up plagued by doubts and worry - feeling once again that this is a hopeless situation. But the thing that I keep telling myself is "don't underestimate God." Over and over and over again I'm telling myself this. When I'm feeling hopeless and like the world is against me I just need to remind myself that the ONE who matters is NOT against me! He is FOR me! Which brought to mind Romans 8:31 "If God is for us who can be against us" but when I went to read it there was so much more that ministered to my soul!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. vs. 28

And so much more! It doesn't seem to matter where I'm reading these days. There's something for me everywhere I turn! I hear my kiddoes calling from the bedroom but I'm thankful for a renewed perspective and I'm ready to face the day now. Just keep praying for me folks! We're in the thick of it now and the battles with doubt, fear and anxiety are coming more frequently (as in at least every hour if not several times an hour). They're harder to fight than they've ever been and the tears have started. PLEASE pray for me. I've been able to keep my emotions in check up to this point which helps me to keep perspective. I don't want to give in to the destructive emotions of bitterness, fear and anxiety. I want to rest in God. Find comfort in His Word and live in confidence and it is no easy feat right now. It is a choice. It is sometimes a minute by minute battle and redirecting my thoughts and emotions all day and all night every day and every night. I just can't imagine loosing her...